Wednesday, 11 March 2009

a brief list of unexpected outspokeness

As the title suggests....
I am not in the mood for literary brilliance at the moment. I need a clear head and patience for that. Reading about some things does NOT instil that mood.

so, with this in mind, knowing I am in a clinical form of mind, and will be until a certain boy comes online and talks to me and I melt just a little more than before....... this is what I want to say....

I don't hate.
I think I'm incapable of it. or I would be, if I hadn't woken from two separate dreams feeling rage (I’ve never felt rage in reality before, so it sticks out like a spot of yellow on a purple painting - not quite right)

but there are things that disgust me, repel me, or I think are infinitely pointless and stupid. When I am calm, I enjoy debating these things, to understand the underlying things behind them, but after it all, I have my opinions. These are them......

self-induced vomiting is disgusting, even the reasons behind doing it are disgusting.

Cutting ones own flesh makes my own crawl - the sensation of cutting my toe on iron once by accident was enough to make me think that is yuck. Furthermore, I think (forgive me for not having the right words to demonstrate the sheer repulsion these things have on me) it's a losers way out of things. Running away. Giving up.

Depressed people have such beautiful, sad words. I know from experience that writing these little poetic instalments can seem amazing, but, truthfully, talking like that actually makes the feeling deepen and more intense, when it's written in a calm, smooth manner rather than one saying ‘no, get it away from me' plus, it comes off as 'get a grip of yourself and stop seeking attention.

I think religion is dangerous, which is why I’ve never followed one, though I’ve gotten close, almost swayed by 7 years of Anglican schooling.

I think global warming exists but isn’t as scary as they seem and that there should be more put into making ourselves more efficient than freaking out about if it’s happening or not and whose fault it is and why the hell the worlds going to end. Ugh.

I’m so sick of the negative things in this life; it makes me want to scream at everyone to grow up and act like the adults that they’re meant to be. To act in rational mind.

I hate racist jokes. People are still surprised by the flash of anger they cause in me sometimes. Especially when it means I have to defend someone I care about.
I’ve never experienced things like this before, and it shocks me that people actually act like that. Can actually think things like that. I was brought up to believe that it doesn’t matter what you see with your eyes, but what you hear in the music of their heartbeat, and in the scriptures of their mind.

In the most heartless sense of this, the heartbroken lament of 'you broke my heart and it will never be the same' is getting old. Move on.
The fact is: I do not understand how people can fall in love over the internet.
I am a total hypocrite for this because the fact is I may have almost done just that. Though, being so separate from him in everything but an internet connection and the occasional phone call, made it impossible for me to feel the way I do when His arms are wrapped around me, sheltering me from the outside world, from the jeers of those around us. It is not a strong feeling yet, but I know it will grow, more and more, and maybe, just maybe, it will shift into that four-lettered word that people kill for, and die to protect: love.

But yes, this was all I had to say, I can't yell on the internet, but the ones about vomiting and cutting are extreme emotions that I feel about them. They’re disgusting: in thought, and in action.

No comments:

Post a Comment