Thursday, 13 August 2009

time and all its frustrations

I am angry. It’s not really at one person, but it diffuses into aspects where it shouldn’t.
And it’s all to do with time.
I’m running out of it, and the hours I have I need to spend doing something worthwhile. I don't have the free hours to spend waiting for people, or doing nothing.
when I’m made to do these things, without a clear reason, or go places without a purpose I get irritable and unpleasant to be around until someone tells me exactly why I’m wasting my time. Sadly, no one is game to explain this to me, so I just get pissier and pissier as I try finding something more useful to do.
I hate being stood up. It’s the biggest time waster of all.
But, despite this, anger is tiring, and when I get angry and there’s no constructive thing to put it into, like that relay run I had to do after one of the biggest wastes of a day in my entire life. That run sorted me out.
Well, it's 9.20 and I have nothing like this to do.
So I sit here, getting more and more upset - you see, when there is no outlet, it turns into tears of frustration. So not a good thing to go to bed on.
It’s getting to the point where I’ve managed to sever most ties with one group, or so it feels like - I’m certainly not welcome there during breaks by the vast majority of people sitting there- but I’m at a loss of living in limbo between groups. And there is still 10 weeks of school to deal with - that’s 100 breaks, and 600 lessons to feel unwelcome.
It’s enough to make a person wonder why they didn't move schools earlier, and why one even bothered suggesting a holiday in the first place.
In other words: I’m lonely.
And being lonely sucks. Because it’s totally non-constructive and just makes you feel like crap. The kids that get me are either unavailable or possibly already asleep.

Why do I even bother?
Its 10 weeks. I’ll live in the study room and not talk to anyone. Not like people want to talk to me anyway.
20 mins

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