but it's sunny outside.
my feet wont get warm,
and tears swim 5 centimetres below the surface.
i'm not sure what over.
disappointment? rage? loss?
i don't know.
i want to drive.
drive, and drive and drive.
but i cannot.
not because i don't know how,
but because i can't leave my desk, knowing that there is an Art essay, English poetry essay, biology notes and legal studies notes to write and re-read and write some more.
i'm disappointed, mostly, i think.
i'm tired, like i used to be when we were one not two.
too many late nights waiting for someone to reply.
now, it's a cry for help.
i don't know who i am anymore.
my heart's split between too many places.
my head is trying desperately to focus on the coming year and all the promise it holds.
but i'm setting myself up for disappointment.
more fucking disappointment.
i'm so sick of it.
that'll teach me to have high hopes and dreams.
only to have them thrown back at my face with a voice saying, 'oh, sorry, you're not good enough', or 'it's impossible. deal with that'.
what is that anyways? WHO is that?
names, used over and over. no individuality. can't talk to people because that means being honest about everything.
everything in me that i dont want to face.
is there something wrong with me?
jasmine was right. she was always going to win. now she did. the question is whether or not i can climb out of this hole on my own or not. and if i can't, then i'm gone. gone gone gone far from here.
maybe this is the true grieving for the loss of that which consumed me and my time and all my effort. i'm exhausted because it was all a waste, all the excitement, the happy, the 'i love you'.
there are people, for sure.
but i feel like i can't talk.
someone's sewn my mouth shut.
and i'm trying to scream.
and no one can hear me.
but the one person i've reached out to, that could actually do something to save my sanity, shied away.
at least thats what it feels like.
as the fray said a moment ago:
don't let me go.
i let me go.
if you do, i don't think i can come back.
please don't let me go.