Friday, 21 August 2009

goodbyes to Explanations

you know that feeling when adrenaline shoots through your veins, makes your fingers tingle?
combine it with fear and regret.
add in a mistake and you have created a situation i find myself in.
its the fear of confrontation.
and the angst of not trusting.
it's the hurt of no forgiveness.
and the anger of accusations.
is conscious ignorance the best form of dealing with something?
it certainly stops the chance of having my hands shake, and my blood race, and my whole body covered in shivers
telling me to run away
the knowledge that i cannot run away is ever-present and often leads to resorting to the measures that come naturally - the best defence is a good offence, right?
well, i was never a good apologiser, and this is usually because those that oppressed me made me feel like everything was my fault and i should be apologising for it. as a result, when it is not one of these situations it doesn't come naturally, especially if i feel i am not in the wrong with my reasoning - after all, its the clash of my reasoning with others ideas of how to treat others that gets us into this mess in the first place.

because i go into everything feeling like i have my back against a wall and have no choice but to defend myself. thats what being ganged up on does to you after a while - you just go into things expecting the worst. and thats why it happens. put an animal in a cage against its will and it fights to get out. lashes out at anything that comes near for fear they are going to hurt them.

not to mention being tired of being a part of or victim of being treated badly by those that are meant to be ones friends.

not that anyone relevant is going to read this.
just putting it out there - why i am as stubborn and argumentative as i am = automatic self defence.


  1. Excuses, dramas, volatility, mistakes, misguided hope...
    Culminated in one too many explosions...
    Play the victim in the cage, lash out...
    Just don't wonder what happened when you look around and all you see is bodies...

  2. ...and speaking of excuses Tom, is it common practice to blame the state of events on the person who has retaliated to you, rather than on the actions that caused them to become so distraught? You've even leading her to apologise for her reaction to you, while the real culprits just stand there and just take the apology. Trying to make someone "explode" and then complaining when they do sounds just a little bit rich. Perhaps you could even realise your mistakes, realise that you've been caught out when backstabbing a friend. But no, instead you play the guilt card, ever-manipulating, twisting her own metaphor towards what she so clearly wishes to avoid. You tell her to "play the victim", showing no remorse for picking her out for that role yourself. I sincerely hope that there are bodies - not physical bodies devoid of breath, but slain carelessness. Hopefully, you'll have that metal ball around your ankle gone after this. Hopefully, you'll lose that carelessness, and learn how to treat a friend with decency and respect.

    Please, face up to the real you. You're kind, gentle, funny and supportive. You're a good friend, a caring friend. In the future, when you reach the fork in the road between the path of what is right, and the path of what is easy, I sincerely hope you make the right choice.

  3. <3 u jimmmmmmmmmmm thanks for standing up for me

  4. just to make you smile:

  5. caity thats such an awesome site :)
    and the smile is dead right!

  6. Trying to make someone explode, eh? All I ever said was that things were not going to be worked out peacefully. That there would be an explosion... And i was rite wasn't i!
    I didn't backstab anyone and have not done anything wrong, but have been doubted nonetheless. However, I'm not "playing the guilt card". No, what I'm doing is saying enough is enough and cutting the remaining ties. I've described it as poison before, only now, finally, I won't be going in for another serve of it. I've had my fill...

  7. Ok a little over dramatic tom. I feel that I need to speak up too.

    Justin, you are making comments based on what you have heard from one person. Basically, you actually were not part of the "explosion" incident so please don't blame just one person.

    Olivia, I am sorry but your behaviour that day was extreme. I know that it was probably due to a lot of factors, but don't blame it entirely on other people and accept that it was also your fault.

    Please try not to just blame others for the fact that you feel cornered and victimised. If you dont like or enjoy the company of the people that are your "friends" change your friends. There is no rule that states you have to put up with something or someone, until you explode.

    Anyway, when you present an idea of a holiday to the group you should attempt to take the groups ideas, wants and needs into account. Saying its my way or the highway and then yelling at us when we dont wont to go the location you have selected is not constructive. Whether the fact that you stormed away was due to the word "explosion" being used or due to the fact that you couldn't have your idea "railroaded" is irrelevant. We did not want that to happen, all we wanted was a calm discussion about our holiday.

    Olivia I have considered you a friend since year 7, but your behaviour and actions really hurt me that day. Please try to stop blaming others for your own imperfections and attempt to reflect and see how your actions could have been different.

  8. nick,
    i know that justin is only speaking from what he heard which may or may not be the truth, but does this mean he should be blaming all of you? which gives a weak argument to base this on, i know.
    this was not about the holiday. i do admit, i did not expect parents to think that it was a bad idea - i don't see whats to dangerous about ki. but that isnt the point, and as such the holiday is not a real point in this discussion. oh, and by the way, the yelling .... i wasnt yelling about any holiday. if you consider me talking at normal volume about my concerns re said holiday, to be yelling, you need to get ur ears checked.

    i know i have a habit of bottling it up til something ignites and all hell breaks loose. part of this is because i kinda feel like im not gonna get heard, or its gonna make no difference by me saying something. whether this is true or not i don't know. in the past me making a comment like 'don't you think thats wrong to be saying that' (as an example) have been met with glares or harsh words when i leave, thus discouraging any trust towards the group from me.
    i know that i have my own imperfections and i am making an effort to correct them. i also know how my actions could have been different. i tried to make amends with tom and he has violently rejected this (see above comments). i don't know how any kind of apology will be received by anyone else, nor do i particularly feel like giving one - my reasons were valid even if my methodology was a little askew. and fact is, i don't enjoy company of certain combinations of people, but sitting somewhere and trying not to listen is better than sitting on my own sometimes. as it is im not gonna be over there anymore because 1. im not welcome and 2. you try wanting to split with people and realising that youve put urself in a bubble by accident.
    however, speaking of own imperfections, does anyone not see that speaking badly about people when they cannot defend themselves is not a good trait to have?
    me flipping out was based on this fact. i see it, i hear it, i get it. i know i am guilty of doing it and i'm trying to cut it back to nil.
    but from my perspective this is one of the key elements of that group, and i'm tired of hearing it (which a simple solution: don't listen - not that simple). so i know that i probably should have just walked out, and said forget it, but hey, it got the message across didn't it?

  9. Liv, I'm really sorry about what happened that day. Both Tom and I said that you were going to 'explode' and i regret what i said. We both felt that changing the holiday destination, being your idea and all, would hurt your feelings and wasn't going to sit well with you. Other members of the group believed that it would be civilized and that you would conform to the other suggestions.

    I do not see this event as any sole person's fault. however, what you said to me that day was quite hurtful, and i thought we were starting to get along (as you can tell i've been trying to converse with you during the week). Various group members have blamed me (and Tom...a little less!!) for this incidence without themselves considering their part in it. I would ask them to look at their actions and see how they would have felt if their grand idea was "railroaded" (more like completely changed).

    To those that have found this offensive or will not talk to me on Monday...fine. Keep blaming others for an event which you had a considerable part in and we'll see where that gets you in life. Again, Liv, i hope we can get along and I didn't mean what i said in a malicious way. For Tom....Stop reading Lines to Time.

  10. dim,
    it was intended to hurt- thats why i said it. sometimes its the only way to cut through barriers and get through to people. also its a pretty good indication that some things arent ok to say, and karma comes back around and around again.
    feel free to resolve your own issues with other people, i'm stepping clear of this. i learned my lesson about putting my nose where it doesnt belong.
    i appreciate your cordiality during the week, admittedly i partially expected another barrage of abuse as you managed to put together re me telling you to stop being manipulative/bitching or something. they blame tom a little less because he is less often the centre of these things... i think... i don't know the actual reason though.
    what happened, happened. my concerned were aired, albeit in a rather loud fashion that left transferral of information up to twisting. thanks for the sorry, and i promise ill try to not bottle everything up... not that it'll have much consequence from now on anyway.