Saturday, 1 August 2009

fears and plays and hugs and words

So over everything.
its the middle / 2/3 of the year, and I’ve been told that this is the time when post people fall off the rails, and it gets really hard to push through.
They are right. I am so, so, so tired. And possibly getting sick - nausea and headaches and an odd-feeling throat is not a good sign.
So, forgive me, but this post is just a whinge at woe is my life. But, even then, I cannot say what I want because people read this thing, whether it is from facebook or the site or followers or whatever.

Words. They can inspire, insult, decide, enlighten, create and even kill.
But they mean nothing when all you need is something physical.
No, I don't mean that in the dirty way that most people take that statement. I mean really, really simple things, like... a hug, a hand to hold, a kiss on the forehead.
Those things.
Apparently, hugs make one calm down because they constrict large surface areas of the body, which releases dopamine or something like that in the brain, which calms us down.
And, again, science gives me a reason for otherwise unexplained behaviour. Yet another reason why I follow science and not religion.
As a lady that lives off words, for the most part, this sounds like blasphemy. But it’s true, and I am getting tired of inequality.

Conflict. As a rule, I don't handle it well, though I try to make it look like I do. I don't run from it, but I shake and freak out and hyperventilate if it is a bad argument. It is not over inconsequential things, but things that could have large repercussions if I do not hold myself in the correct manner.
Because, it is all about weighing up pros and cons and at the moment I have more to lose by fighting than I have to gain. It’s not as if I am really losing 'friends', as such, but even so, it can get rather lonely sometimes.
It is all about the connection. For those that read this regularly you will already have realised that this is one of those things that haunts me. Kinda like one of my fears, I suppose. It is not so much rejection as just having nobody there whatsoever.

It is why I am clinging to the fact that I will make new friends at university.
But that is in the future. And this is the now.

Apparently, teenagers are built mentally to not think about consequences or the future and take risks because we are designed to. I like this reasoning as it gives an explanation as to why the end of the year seems so far away, even though, really, it's not, if it’s august already then February is virtually a blink.
And then there is like... 80 more years for me to live after (i have every intention of living to 100 and being an active, dotty old grandma).
That is incomprehensible!

on a lighter note, I got my major legal studies assignment draft back and its sounding like I’m somewhere near the top of the class, which is a beautiful change, though I’m not actually sure about the exact figures.

Also, the school production, while at times cringe-worthy and other times yawn-worthy, there were a few skits that were excellently done and were very, very funny. Jess did a good job at MC though she kept reminding me that it was not a good night for her. The back stage people were a little loud, though, sometimes louder than jess was talking, though I can understand the difficulty of moving many things at once in silence, especially chairs.
But I know how much efforts been going into this, and the laughs were consistent throughout the performance. There’s one night left and I recommend people that know people in it go and support them - it’s only like $6, and, who knows, you might actually find skits that have you in stitches. I know I did.
40 mins

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