Saturday, 4 April 2009

We All Have Our Moments....

well, it's been a little while since my last post, and I've kinda been out of inspiration for a little while because my driving force isn't going to be spoken about on here.

6 weeks tomorrow since I was turned upside down in a wonderful way.
Yay ^^
is it sad that I remember the weeks?
I don't really care. I’m too in my own little world of happiness to be truly worried about what other people think. I mean, it’s our own opinion that really counts, isn't it?

On such a note, I will, however, tell you all a little story. It’s not very long in time, nor is it riveting stuff, but it is the catalyst for why I am like I am today in a lot of ways....

I was never a skinny kid. When I was a baby, my parents jokingly called me the Michelin Man - that white mascot for Michelin Tyres that looks like several marshmallows squashed together. And fair enough: I was a fat baby.
Throughout my childhood, I was average weight, nothing special. I have a round face so a short fringe didn't help my plight. And this was okay.
I remember watching a cartoon once on TV on a Saturday. The view panned across the beach, showing buff men and curvy women. Too curvy. I know now that there was no way that a real person could be that way proportioned. I didn't then. I went to my room, pulled up my t-shirt and looked at my own waist. I was straight up and down (and at age 7, pretty well everyone is) I remember trying to push my waist inwards, to see if I had curves. I didn’t. I still don't. I’m one of those poor kids that don't fit the traditional bill of curves. I don't mean like curvy, I mean, as in, not straight up and down. If it's the small penis thing that makes guys feel inadequate, the lack of curves does that to me.
Eh, that’s life.
That wasn’t what I wanted to talk about, though it does give a little background for this...
when I was in year three, I was at a primary school in the hills. We had a HUGE pine forest as a playground and a large asphalted area too, amongst other things. Not bad for a school of 200 kids from R-7. On the far side of the asphalt, there were sandstone steps leading to the forest. I was coming down them, and noticed three boys from the year above me, in my class (mixed classes) I got about three-quarters across, when He wanted to get my attention:
"Hey! Fatty!"
As soon as His mouth closed, I burst into tears. The insensitivities of kids is incredible. He realised He'd hurt me as soon as the first tear fell, quickly saying, "Oh, I was only joking, don't cry". In his defence, he did sound kinda remorseful. I just told him to go away and ran to the toilets.
I never really got over that. I know this because in writing this, my eyes are getting watery.

In countless parenting Do's and Don’ts it says never criticise yourself in front of your child because they are like little sponges: they soak up everything you do and say. My mother, even now, will complain about how fat she is. She’s really not. And if she stopped buying crappy food for us to eat we'd all be better off. But that’s not the point. my point is this: how the hell am I meant to feel good about myself if my mum, the number one female role model in my life, won't shut up with the negative self talk? It makes me, the only one of my siblings shaped like her in some way, think 'what the hell kinda chance to I have then?!?!'

and while I’m strangely emotional at the moment and I don't know why, having Him read my affirmation, my thoughts on paper, tacked on my wall by my light switch, was one of the most embarrassing things I’ve had to deal with this year. I haven't read it since I put it there (goes to show just how well the initiative is in my mind), then look at me so sadly and say 'is this what you are doing?’ to which I replied 'no' and sat down on my bed. I didn't remember what I’d written, let alone followed it. But that look on his face wouldn’t go away. He leant into me as close as he could, and said to me quietly 'I think you’re beautiful', staring me right into my eyes. if I had known that the last part said 'I’m sick and tired of feeling and looking fat', it would have brought on, right in front of him (so mortifying!), the tears that leaked forth after I did read it again, once everyone had left.

I hate the word 'fat'
it's such an ugly term, for such an ugly state of existence.

And all for the simple reason that I don't know what else I can eat that isn't going to cause me to get sick - too much wheat or dairy doesn't sit well with me.
And that’s all we have in this damned house.
It’s probably why I like Asian food so much - I can eat it and not feel the excruciating pain that my current diet causes.
But yes, I have my moments of ‘I hate myself’. And that is why.
40 minutes


  1. I totally get you on this. :(
    Sounds like you're lucky to have such a wonderful guy to tell you that, although sometimes when people tell me stuff like that it makes me angry and even irritated with them, because i don't want to hear that i'm beautiful. etc.

    I also hate the word "fat". It's so bad. And while my mum doesn't actually criticise her weight, she criticises mine. It surprises me to know how much things she has said years and years ago still sticks with me, just like your story of what happened when you were in year 3.

    I recently found out (through her blog) that a good friend of mine also feels the same way, and had the same experience with her mum. She is beautiful and smart at school and life, and she still can't quite get past this.

    I'm sure that nothing I say can change your mind about how you look, especially since I don't really know. But you seem like a pretty special person anyway, and seeing as how we both live in Adelaide, maybe one day we'll even bump into each other and then I can confirm this in real life (:


  2. Also, apologies for not commenting as often as I should.

  3. Hope you subscribe to follow up comments, if not, I replied to the one you left on my latest post (:

  4. haha well, maybe we will meet, hell, courtesy of rundle mall, its probable that we've already seen eachother, just didnt know it.
    but then, i'm found around sth tce or in the hills, usually, so i'm not that easy to find in town haha.

  5. Mmm, having already seen each other in Rundle seems like a definite possibility, especially if you were in town the opening night of the Fringe...

    And I tend to wander around town a bit more these days, Rundle Mall has gotten slightly old for me now ;P

    I live in the Southern suburbs so pretty much the other place I hang out at is Marion, or, well, the bay, because that's really the only other option we have as Adelaide kids ;P