Monday, 15 March 2010


i sit here with my hot cross buns (the one festival-related thing i look forward to), tea and nail polish, amid books on counselling, psychotherapy, psychology and indigenous culture, and I think.... fuck my room is a mess. Ijust have too much stuff. the reason i still have it is because it's useful stuff..... just not at this point in time. like my knitting needles and wool, an age of empires cd, drawing pad, moisturiser and some skin-exfoliating brush.
and that's just on my desk.go figure.

I rather enjoy being the best at what i do, and being told this is no small triumph in my head, so it would make sense that i have a rather inflated ego right about now.

After hearing about some things that happened.... a little while ago now.... and how, combined with the right (or is it wrong?) people, ridiculously complicated negatives can ensue. Understanding exactly why is a rather enormous part of why I'm doing this degree. It just shits me off.
Do I have an idealised view of friendship?
Where people are accepted as who they are, not what they do? Loyalty is the key, rather than getting ahead, or being self-focussed?
Admittedly right is a dose of hypocracy in that statement, as I am still stewing about an action rather than remembering a personality. So, if I follow my own advice, I'll forgive and forget. Unlikely to happen. Still..... it's the principle, and that principle is wreaking havoc with my dreams. Writing them, then reading them, is so much easier to interpret them, and all one has to do is look at some of the last couple and its still preety obvious something isn't ticking right.

Ah well.

I'm learning hints and tips on how to be a parent, as i get older. one of which: don't have three kids, because we're too much effort to give enough time to each, and one always ends up second best. it was my brother, out of us. I keep separate from my family by choice, but I've always been included and or praised when necessary. it just sucks that some attributes are valued more highly than others.

thats all i have for now, goodness knows i need to get stuck into the ever-increasing pile of reading in front of me


truly, I can't keep up with it. I lose the majority of my weekend to work, and its just like......... fuck.

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