Sunday, 1 February 2009

indecent exposure (aka welcome back)

I feel like a flasher in the park.
no, that's not right.
its more like standing naked in front of someone for the first time, though I actually don't even know what that's like, though i suspect the vulnerability is about the same.
tonight i exposed my soul over a guitar design and a joking statement that sent me into the corner of my room with an immediate desire of a paper bag to freak out into.
i get ahead of myself a lot of the time, thinking so far into the distance i forget to watch where i place my feet right in front of me.

everyone has their skeletons hiding in the closet. i have an infant. no, i am not pregnant. that assumption in itself is obscene. primarily because there's no other half here to create it. it merely means that my experiences have yet to grow and turn into skeletons.
i cannot see myself in the career i choose - it is too interchangeable. psychologist, teacher, youth aid worker, ambassador. the list goes on. i just know i want to help. i see 10 years ahead and while that is blank, i do see a family. my family. both of them.

so, here i sit, still blank over the incredible exchange that took place a few hours ago, when i realised that, shockingly, for the first time in my life, i was holding my heart out, bloody in my hands, and he took it from me, wiped it clean, smiled, and put it back in me gently without so much as a scratch. but he did something to it, put an armour around it. with those joking words, and that affirmation of being steadfast, he wrapped me in bubble wrap so thick that not even a diamond drill-bit could get through.

its a shining translucent sheath that ripples over my being, bouncing away any attack, any bad feelings. no more 'i don't think i am good enough?'. soon it will be on a chain so i only have to pull it out and look at it to sublimate and start flying around the room in a little cloud of happy vapour.

my life is stretched out ahead of me, there are so many possibilities, I'm like a kid in a toy store with no idea what they want to try out first. i have two thing certain in my future: (no, death and taxes aren't them) him, and university. i do not know where that university is any more. Adelaide? most likely. though i want to travel while i study, if that's possible. there is a vague direction i want to travel in life, and no, it is not clockwise around the world. (its anti-clockwise :P) its like putting on glasses in the wrong focus: you can see fuzzy shapes and outlines but not clear detail. that's just fine with me for now.

and for now, this is my final rambling of the night, even though i want to write and write and write. the floodgates have opened people, and they're struggling to be shut. FAREWELL WRITERS BLOCK, SCHOOL IS BACK!
(and with it comes the stresses of being a senior and homework and love and formal and friends and family and LIFE)

so until next time,
adios, ciao, sayonara, bon vouyage and bye-bye.

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