Saturday, 18 July 2009

my one wet blanket.

Uplifting, but at the same time, depressing.
I thought that these things were meant to make you excited, happy?
Well, in many respects, it has.
The problem is that one fact dampens everything. My one wet blanket.
It is like...... a victory, knowing you were right the whole time for feeling like this, but at the same time knowing why you denied it to everyone, and yourself, for so long.

I sound somewhat like hamlet, at this point in time: do I wait and the events will unfold before me and I allow the opportunity to appear, or to I make it happen myself?
In my heart of hearts, I know that I must let it go completely. But I cannot, or will not. You pick one; it does not matter, really.
So, in lieu of this, the right way to go is to wait, even though my natural inclination is to run forward and take control with both hands and any other limbs I can wrap around it.

I think it is low self-esteem. Or me not knowing how to talk to people of a certain age and or calibre. But there are some people that I think, in an admiring kind of way, are just so much higher above me, and that I want to be up there with them.
They are the role model, the cool kid that you think everyone wants to be, or be with, even though they are probably not. From the outside, they are perfect. From the inside, they are far from it, but you do not care.

And it could all go hopelessly pear-shaped and backwards and leave you destroyed, but there is that little flicker of hope: ever present and getting brighter that it might come to fruit.

But dreams only present the opportunity to chase them few times in your lifetime.
And now, I wonder if this is one of them.
20 minutes, thought this has no time meaning.
He has no time meaning.

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