Friday, 8 May 2009

today was not a good day, to put it simply.

today was not a good day.
to put it simply.

i have several irks to air tonight for the sheer fact that if i don't, i'll explode, and not in any possible good way.
this is basically a bitch post.
im tired - gonna be fixed this coming weekend and following week though.
i'm broke. not working for 2 straight months has left my once reasonable bank account (all from working 6 days a week in the summer holidays) low enough that i have to start using cash again, just incase i don't have enough in the account to but something....
i'm out of my depth at school - its just one massive innundation of WORK that im beginning to wonder if i'll ever finish it properly.
and i just want to spend the day with my hunni.
as it tands it is because of my madre that that last one won't happen.
it feels like she doesnt want me dating him.
or, anyone, for that matter.
shes putting so much pressure on me to do amazing, i think because she didnt do year 12, that that's why i'm longing for freedom, and when i try to get that freedom, it's snatched away from me so i have less than before.
i need my driver's license, and, more importantly, a car!
i need sleep, and for this stupid month-long freakout to go away.
at least then i can be at least a little calmer, a little more focussed.

another thing..... repetition
in some cases, great stuff.
but when i have to say the same thing over and over again, i get pissed.
there is a difference between hearing and listening. and this person asks me the same thing over and over again, about lessons, what im doing on the weekend, everything. talks morethan i do, and its to the point where i have to put my ipod in to make it look less rde when i try desperatley to ignore them and do the stufy i have to.
its infuriating to have people acting 4 and being 13 years older than that.
really infuriating.
enough to make Him keep away for a while, which is impressive in itself.
impressive, but not good.

20 mins

1 comment:

  1. You may just want to get that out there, or you may want a response. Either way I'll post a response. Whether it helps or not... well I hope it does, but I also just want to get it out there.

    Being broke sucks, especially at this stage. It also seems that this would be a barrier to a car, mentioned lower down. Now there's several ways to earn money:
    #1. ---- - --- Sorry, illegal.
    #2. ---- ------ Sorry, illegal.
    #3. ---- --- Sorry, illegal.
    #4. ----- - --- Sorry, illegal.
    #5. ---- ----- Sorry, illegal.
    #6. Get a job.
    #7. Beg.

    Or otherwise, is there something you could cut down on? Is there some cost you could pass onto your parents? Are there any things that you're paying for for other people? It's hard to let these costs go, but if you're upfront about it people will probably accept it more.

    Hang on, an Innundation of work? I seem to think I've heard this before. Throughout this year, we're going to feel like, "wow, I'm so out of my depth. No-one else can possibly understand where I'm coming from." As someone who has possibly topped the list in terms of breakdowns so far this year, with around twelve, I'm well acquainted with this feeling. I'm actually considering dating this feeling. The thing is, it's JUST A YEAR. Even on the offchance that you're right, no-one can help you, and you're just going to have to work through it alone, think of the worst that could happen. I don't know what thing you would see as the worst. Getting a job at the same cafe, and slowly working through that world? Working to take your art somewhere, funded by a job at this cafe? I'm not in your head, but do you see these as necessarily bad things?

    It's good to know that the worst isn't actually so bad. And with what I've seen of your hard work, the worst is unlikely to happen.

    The other thing is that this year, as with the rest of your life, is for you. If you're doing so much, working so hard, it has to be working towards your end goal, not anyone else's. Your mum is right for wanting you to do amazing, because you can do amazing, but she doesn't seem to be working through her methods correctly. Isolating you from dating, especially from dating someone who is so finely tuned to who you are, is going to make you stress MORE and make it harder for you to get the grades that she knows you can get. This year is about balance, we've heard a tonne of speeches about that. The best thing your mum can do is let you have that balance, and make your own decisions. Making decisions for ourselves is how we learn, and this year is about learning, despite all the teachers telling us it's about getting good grades. So take it up with her. Try to remain calm and just hold a decent conversation. Your end goals and her end goals are the same, but you obviously need to talk through methods.

    Jeepers, they have timers on how long posts take to write. I hope they don't on comments.

    This year will have reduced freedom. We will have to work. But we don't have to work alone. And always keep the end in sight. At the end of this year, we have freedom.