Wednesday, 6 May 2009

The light is at the end of the tunnel....tally ho!

Been feeling better after my little breakdown at school
Book I've been reading said that you gotta have these breakdowns to break through them.
She was right. good ol' Mish ^^
Idol of mine.
But yes, it is. My tummy is still there, and there is cellulite on my legs and it makes me cringe to look in the mirror when I'm getting changed. But I know what I have to do now.
And NOW, only now, do i have the true motivation.
Life sucks when you're living under a rain cloud.
So, I know what its like to hate what you exist as.
And I don't know if its because of said breakdown over said self-esteem issues that I've been getting all these positive comments, but I think it may be because, for one night only, I was a normal, beautiful, teenager, taking part in normal teenager activities, dancing to popular music, singing along, laughing with friends, enjoying the drink and food, and LIVING.
The fact of the matter is that i am tired of living like crap. of FEELING like crap.
and so it changes from now.

I exist as me.
I embrace that i have issues, that I don't like things about myself, that somedays I am down.
It's very hard to stay so happy all the time.
But I try.
And as it currently stands, I like the feeling of having arms around me and a whisper in my ear, giving me goose bumps, telling me that I'm loved and I'm fine just the way I am.
If I change, I change for ME.
And this is what I shall do.
So onwards, into the future, into desired reality, into my life, the way I want it!
15 mins


  1. Aww, I know the feeling of just being like ehh. I am trying to motivate myself to do something about it, but i always eat crap, and I'm heaps self conscious of other people seeing me when I go running :(
    It's great that you are at that place where you want to change for yourself, and that you have someone who will love you as you are. As long as it doesn't get unhealthy, like someone I know...

    But I'm glad to see you are determined to do what is good for you,

  2. Please don't take this as a comment for the sake of comment, but I honestly don't see what problem you have with the way you look! It isn't just for one night that you're a living, breathing, normal teenager!

    But as long as you change for you, and you're not afraid of failure or afraid of success, then good luck to you! You're a beautiful person.

  3. Oh, and this is kinda why I'm scared.

  4. Also, this:

    I'll stop now.

  5. always good to think positively~~~and another thing ~~i love u~~O(∩_∩)O

  6. to chi chi... i love you too :) thanks for being you, and moreso, thanks for being with me - makes me happier than anything else.

    to jimmy..... some comments stay with you for life, and thats whats happened to me (see prev posts) so, combined with that, i often think aloud that if i had more willpower id have an eating disorder by now, the way i think.
    but fact is, i don't. just wanna make that clear... i eat, and i dont purge. so im ok.

    but it goes along with that thing of self comparison, you know, shes better than me, etc. its born out of envy, of having people around me that are naturally slim. that have skinny arms, curves, noticibly great breasts etc. its just a negative self talk thing, i usually only see what i do not have. but there are glimpses when i think the opposite.
    its just wanting to feel my best, and its not reassuring to have my own clothes not fitting around my tummy, or looking terrible at the waistband of my jeans. thats all.

    peace out