Sunday, 31 May 2009

insight to the revelation that i am a girl, and the fright that comes with it.

Have just finished watching the end of The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants 2. Good movie. However, it kinda has an unintended effect - rather than being uplifting, it makes me sad. I seem to absorb the feelings in movies more than I probably should, indeed, I try really hard not to, but the fact is that it brings things up in my own thought pattern that I don't usually like to think about. The closeness of the girls in STP2.... I know it's somewhat childish to think this, but... I want friends like that! I have friends, and the closer of them I love dearly, and I’m pretty sure they know that, but the last time I had close girlfriends was when I was 8 years old and in primary school. After that, it was always a mix of boys and girls, and more recently, boys outweigh the girls.
This, on most other days is fine, but..... Something I read in a book recently has stuck with me, and it’s certainly had its intended effect. it said 'what I say is: I’ve always been a tomboy.... what I mean is: I’m afraid of my feminine side'
And this is partly true for me. I never bothered with makeup or dresses or girly things - partly because pants were more practical or it was too hard.
Mainly because I didn't feel worthy of looking pretty. I wasn't pretty or thin enough to deserve to look like a girl.

I’m not fat. I never have been. it's just that I like choosing my own path, (in most cases I’ve had to since there were no sibs before me) and I don't like being told what to do unless I wish it. So, to do this, I’d ignore the discreet pressure from my grandma, who until recently was still trying to buy me makeup and purses and pink things.

I remember once, I got a pink leather-ish little handbag. Baby pink, of course. I hated it. I still do. I thought, as did my sister, that she had them mixed up and she had given Imi mine, the denim blue one, and I hers. Nope. Well, I think that was the last time she tried to make me girly. She just gave up, which was a fair call.

But.... whilst once I was happy in a t-shirt and jeans... now... I want to look pretty. I want to be a girl not anything else. But... I’m all new at this. It takes practice. And it's lonely practice. Which, (swinging it back to the movie) is because I don't have the close bonds of female friends. Not really. I reckon..... That I could....
I don't mean being able to discuss magazines or the weekend parties, or be overall shallow. Just.... friends. Close, best buddy type friends.

I’ve had enough of waiting for uni to turn my life upside down, meet new people, and do new things. It’s such a shame to have all this potential (excuse that display of un-modesty) and to just waste it away on nothing and nobody.

30 minutes


  1. Hey again Liv,

    I haven't commented for all of 8 days, so I'd better make this one count.

    I know books can be cutting. Some things are so true in books, and others seem true but are actually misled. This isn't the fault of the author - far from it, I commend authors on exploring foreign realms - but it can provide a perspective that isn't necessarily true for everyone.

    I view this case as the second one. I'll cut the crap here, you're not particularly feminine, and both of us know it. But being naturally a person who isn't feminine and being afraid of that side are two very different things. You seem to want to embrace this side of you rather than rejecting it.

    As for having close female friends, I can put on a skirt if you really want, but I doubt that would be particularly comforting for you.

    Finally, a note on "untapped potential". It doesn't sound like a display of un-modesty, more a display of someone who's seen too much of that Trinity and Samantha or whatever their names are. You have plenty of potential to influence this world and to make a difference to the people around you without "flaunting it" or "working it". While such potential is probably there, it isn't necessarily the case that every possibility is a good one. You're a great person as you are, and I hope that this quest for femininity (is that a word?) does not serve to make you less beautiful in a worldly sense in favour of shallow, painted beauty of the kind that can be achieved with makeup and a flowing dress.

    A supporter regardless,

  2. well justin,
    i must say i agree that you wearing a skirt probably won't help the situation, though it certainly would be an entertaining sight (and that's NOT an invitation to do so :P)
    ironically, it was a trinny and susannah book that got me thinking in the first place.
    and, a final note, one can be wordly beautiful IN a flowing dress. its just the flowing dress that i am lacking and wanting.