Thursday, 28 May 2009

memories of anguish

It is ironic, really.
That I should be missing someone and wishing someone else would stop bothering me.
I see the photos, the name, and a pang of anguish strikes me, and I feel the effects of it long after.
I should just delete the yahoo add and MySpace. Save myself the pain.
But you know when you have unfinished business, and it just won't leave you alone?
Well, this is mine.

I remember he was a possessive jerk.
I remember his songs.
I remember the 'I love you'
And the tears. I remember those too.
I remember his face, 18, and all grown up, but look at him another way and he was still just a naive kid.
It was the naivety that frustrated me, and the ass that hurt me, and they all rolled up together to call me a liar and a cheater.
I remember the anger. Channelled straight at me because somehow I had managed to mess up his future by making him stay in town even though he wanted to get out.
I remember the cold, clinical, 'oh, I did, guess I forgot to block you as well.'
And I remember knowing exactly what I was doing when I made things go pear shaped.
I was looking for a way to ruin things. And excuse to get out.
Because I knew, it wouldn’t last. Either side of the coin would flip to my disadvantage.
A life of waiting is a dumb idea, there's too much to do.
And I know in my heart of hearts that I am better off not having him there saying hi, and getting jealous when I wouldn't talk to him for a few days, despite being online.
But still, .... That face.... haunts me.
I almost see it in the face that holds my hand now. Almost, but not quite.
That hand has a different personality, and saves me from being utterly lonely, which is nice.
I miss the hours we used to spend, talking about things.
But that’s the problem with talking for whole days with the one person.... eventually.... you run out of things to talk about. And then it's all 'oh, what happened? Why don’t we talk like we used to?'
So, a word to the wise out there, don't make the errors I have and muck up a friendship by:
A. introducing relationship-style closeness into it
B. having too much contact too soon.
15 minutes

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