Sunday, 17 May 2009

i'm done

I have this sense of loathing just sitting here looking at me politely as though asking me why I am looking at it with disgust.
Why do I have such an intense dislike of this nature?
The simple answer is I’m not game to try and find out why because that in itself requires that I be a little nasty myself.
I don't like being nasty if I can avoid it - its bad karma, for one thing.
For another it loses friends and is poor in the political arena when it comes to school politics.
I’m wondering now if it’s poisonous to feel like this.
Probably is.
There’s a saying by Malachy McCourt: 'resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.
I love this saying and, indeed, I really should take heed of it because it seems to be eating away at the other aspects of my life.
Why is it there?
Do I think they’re a threat to me in some way?
Academically, I’m the threat to them not the other way around. Liv the underdog in the academic arena, told to go put her running shoes on and, well, run!
Is it jealousy?
I don't think it’s that. Not really. Maybe a little for something. I don’t know.
The past?
Most likely, though we cannot blame everything on the past, or else we'd solve nothing of the present.
I remember a past year 12 saying to one of my teachers during a stop-by appearance at one of our lessons, that you don't really realise how much of a loner you really are until you leave school. At school, you see everyone like 6 times a week for about 7 hours a day, give or take.
I think I’d be one of those loner kids.
I almost was. No, I lie. Not almost. I WAS one of them. I do wonder now what relationships will still be standing at the 10-year reunion. Who are friends, who married who, and the like.
it disgusts me.
Repulses me.
I’ve heard a remark about the children.
And I must say it was also the first thing I thought.
But there's potential there, with the right genes.
Recombinant human DNA, anyone?
got an ego boost at the most unlikely of times the other day.
You know that fantasy/imaginary cliché where you start talking to someone in the aisle of the supermarket, or some other kind of shop, and you walk out with a date?
Well, kudos to the guy at sports power in mt barker for trying. woulda worked too, if there wasn’t the constant thought of someone else in my mind...... o.O
I’ll be honest I know nothing whatsoever about jazz music - I’m more of a Vivaldi girl myself. That or something with acoustic guitar..... But hey just go with the flow and its allllllll gooooooood
I’m going to make a declaration here. And while it may seem stupid at this particular point in time to do so, the fact is I need you all, whoever reads this and kindly comments every now and again, as witnesses.

I am DONE with sugar
enough of the crappy food - chocolate (exception: 80% cocoa - omfg that stuff is amazing and.... healthy---er.....), cake, muffins, biscuits, chips, malteezers (*cry*), food after dinner.
I found out that I only need 850 or so calories per day to function. Include any physical activity and that’s only 1000cal.
as opposed to the ... what? Almost double?
Milk? Gone. Where possible.
Wheat? Less of it.
This is my declaration.
With luck, and from past experience, this will be enough to stop me from looking down and wanting to cry.
So... here goes nothing.........

peace out.
30 mins

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