Today is Saturday, and what a good Saturday it is : )

Well today certainly was an interesting day, to say the least: warm weather, drive to softball, home run XD, morning tea with sister, get home and garden for ages, then go and look at a car (the afterwards didnt go too well, put it that way). from this test i can officially say that i hate road noise, but if it's absolutely necessary then i'll deal with it. attempted biology revision. failed at that, and had a 2 hour chatty conversation with a friend instead :). took Gus on a walk and now i'm here.
well wasnt that a barrel of laughs readin that. i'll not put you through that again. onto more pressing topics....

1. i swear it's like attack of the killer bees outside, or at least, it was when it was light. all i could hear in my room was the dull roar of a swarm of bees making itself comfy in its brand new home: the roof RIGHT ABOVE MY BEDROOM. This is soooo not going to be fun later on, i'm hoping its only temporary and they, er, buzz off, soon, because it's not nice having 20 bees zooming around the house freaking out that they ended up on the wrong side of the glass. There's one currently sleeping on a tissue in on my windowsill. i think it thinks its a flower (its scrunched up). doesn't bother me though, because it's dark and bees cant fly in the dark :D


In other news, just to get real obsessive on you, some of the regulars may know that i keep a statcounter.com profile of my webpage, so i can see the demgraphic reading my words. for the most part, it's Aussies, several regulars are my friends, though there are a few very regular others - there's a new addition to these regulars I'd like to make special mention to, and no, i'm not a stalker, i'm simply referring to the data presented to my using an IP address that i cannot trace closer than the nearest global satellite tower. I make this mention somply because there as an IP addy from somewhere near Reynella that made many many recurring visits to different posts over the past few days. To whoever you are, thank you for taking the time to read through what is some of my best, and crappiest, writing. :) I'd like to know your thoughts.
Then again, that goes for everyone :) 'like/dislike' buttons are all well and good (jimmy :P) but text critiques are even better :)






Weather is warm and i only have 3 exams to go. Not worried in the slightest about the two most pressing ones - I merely need to re-read my notes on Art and i'm all set - there's not really anything to revise for Bio because i know it like the back of my hand.... or it feels like it anyways. Not sayin' i'll do no revision whatsoever.... just that i'll do it tomorrow after work. :P
So excited - am gonna be a social butterfly this summer - will have enough time to stay super busy, at the same time as being a lazy bum laying on the beach laughing with people i love to be around.

... but this time, all by myself , and thats the way i'll keep it, please.

I remember what you wore on the first day
You came into my life
And I thought hey
You know this could be something

There they go again, showing me music, imprinting themselves onto the track as I hear it for the first time, burning it, and them, into my association bank.
I can't listen to some music for the memories it brings forth. The regret, anger, tears, happiness, and angst they caused. It's been months since I dared to sing 'Broken' by Seether again after that week in February.
Fireflies makes my heart burst with excitement and freedom, because when i plays all i see is the black of night and the reflective street signs flying past at a speed way beyond those signs. And before that burst, is a rather sharp ache or sadness.
Chasing Cars is just a song, now, one that we would tell to eachother, seeing if we could recite the whole song to eachother, alternating words, without stuffing up. We didn't make it, by either standard.
And now I'm a memory, sitting in the lyrics of a song that warbles of a failed relationship that the singer walked out on.

Except this one band. I found them. Just me, no boys. Granted, thousands of people know about them..... Boys Like Girls.... but in my circle, me... just me. No memories attached except the feeling of running through a line of pine trees, without a soul in the world to judge, or criticise.

A smile splits the blank face, making apples appear in either cheek, and a shine glow from both eyes. The smile broadens, and she looks down, as though shying away from the notion, but all it is is submission to Happy. All by herself.

hiding from myself? found by my ipod.

methinks i need to change my ipod playlist from the recently added songs to all my regular ones - it's full of We Shot the Moon, REM, Alanis Morisette and James Morrison, among others, and it's making me a little melancholy. Though blues etc this is intended - and i love James Morrison regardless... it's the other songs that are bothering me.


You make it real for me,
and even though i'm not sure
of where i stand
and of how i feel
or of how your feel about me,
you make me feel something
that i havent felt in a long time,
to the point
where i wonder when i last truly felt that.
not for a year.
i look in the mirror,
and see a face that is me,
but it's expressionless,
at least until your name comes up on the caller ID
and a grin splits the neutrality.
is it just a teenage crush?
maybe.
but i have a feeling deep down
that i don't like to entertain
because it tells me
that i'm going to get my heart
left in the gutter.
again.
but the explosion of positive optimism
and happiness
and safety
that being wrapped up in your arms,
skin on skin,
warmth on warmth,
i don't want to let that go.
because as stupid as it seems,
you make me feel
like i'm at home,
yes you make it real for me.

And yet another tragic ending.

all this revision is getting me down. not because i could have been out doing other things - no, it's rather relaxing for this tired mind to be laying on her bed reading notes from many months ago - but because the content that said mind is reading, is rather depressive.

The Great Gatsby, in short, boils down to a man building his entire life around getting his once-sweetheart to fall in love with him again, but she's married and has a little girl. He learns the hard way that the past cannot be repeated. The whole thing left me blinking at the coffee table thinking 'what the HELL was that for?!' - it has a rather, er, unexpected ending, put it that way - then again, live destructively and you yourself shall be destroyed, so maybe it's not that unexpected after all.

The Crucible makes me flinch EVERY time i think about the terrible things that happened, but more so over exactly why. People are horrible creatures, and this play gave me no faith in humanity whatsoever, though it was a very clever socio-political comment on the McCarthy Regime of the 1950's and how the US has a rather odd quirk of repeating its mistakes

to err is human - to repeat this is stupidity

hmmm.... certainly doesn't help the global image, ey?

I think they jsut gave us all the depressing things to remember for year 12 because we wouldn't have understood their impact in previous years....

Cabaret, directed by Bob Fosse (by some irony, complaining about these books is helping me remember - go figure) came out in the 1970's and was revolutionary for its time in that it wasnt all joyous and spontaneous whole-street-worth-of-people-randomly-burst-into-song numbers - it was a harsh political comment re Germany just pre WW2. again, the main character is not someone we want to sympathise with, but at the same time, like Gatsby (in the Great Gatsby, obviously), we do because we see the reasoning behind Sally's actions - her desire for attention is due to her fathers total lack of said attention, and this in itself spawns a host of other issues, like her shallow selfishness, to hide the vunerable child inside her.
the songs are great, but there are some things that drive me up the wall - mainly Sally - because all through it, i had no sympathy for her whatsoever, and got extremely annoyed at Brian for sticking around as long as he did when it was obvious she's in it for noone but herself, and is insufferably annoying......apologies to those who love sally bowles as a character, this is merely my opinion, feel free to think its stupid, i don't.

but yes...... all three texts are, overall, a big bundle of wet blanket. ruined the mood in which i grinned from ear to ear the entire walk to work - i think the people in their cars must think theres something wrong with me- and its now replaced with apathy and a pressure on my eyelids telling me to go brush my teeth and snooze.
But i have poems to revise, and so i shall stop procrastinating with this post, and get a wriggle on, because i'm beginning to feel a stomach ulcer from the nervousness i keep hidden, for the most part, about what kinds of questions will be in thes exam, and what will be the compulsory topic.
i hope it's not poetry, thats all i can say. then again, i'm freaking out about all three sections, so its pot luck and this only makes my insides squirm more

ick.

but, it cannot be avoided, and as such i shan't complain any further, just put my pen to the paper and remember as much as i can, properly, for tomorrow.
I'm considering taking in a phone book to sit on, though, because the table is totally the wrong height for me - after my last lot of trial exams, i couldnt turn my neck properly to the right for about 8 weeks afterwards. am hoping this doesn't happen again as it was rather painful last time and am not keen to repat the experience.

cheers,

Lulu

that scent is intoxicating, and if that's the case, i want to stay drunk.

havent posted for a while, not properly, and not nearly as often as i usually do, because i've been absorbing everything. my art is finished, and i feel lighter. i have an english exam tomorrow and im freaking out because i can't breathe for more than 5 mins without yawning. but, right now, i'm listening to James Morrison 'Please Don't Stop The Rain'. it's warm and sunny outside, and i'm sinking into the abyss that is happiness due to another human being.
this is a colossaly dangerous way to go, especially right now. i nthree weeks i'll be throwing myself into it, but right now every third thoguht is about him. not good when every thought needs to be about the links between The Crucible and The Great Gatsby, and it doesn't help that i've lost my copy of the Crucible.
craps.

don't care that much, to be honest - i have enough notes that everything i need to know is in there, except quotes, and even then, i has the net to search for specific sections, so i'll be okay.
as it currently stands, i have to write because i cant say it aloud lest it act as a repellant.....
i said at the start of last week something aloing the lines of 'i get addicted to people, and i got addicted to you, and i just got over the withdrawl symptoms, so please don't pull me under again unless you mean to keep me there'. honestly, i didn't want to get pulled back under, but im annoyed with myself that i pulled myself back under, because he makes me fly higher than anyone else has. i don't know why, exactly. i can't express it, but in my mind's eye, all i see is an expanding mass of light and green power in my head, in my heart, filling me up, making me feel empty when he goes away. is this just the usual feeling one gets when someone they care about goes away?
it sucks. it leaves me sleepless, and i need my sleep.
but that scent is intoxicating, and if that's the case, i want to stay drunk. because it doesnt leave me vomiting at the end, it leaves me smiling, sinking into my pillow and quilt thinking 'yes, this is where i belong'

but if i fall to fast i'm going to get burned.
so here's the question: how do i use the brake? cause i'm heading into a tailspin: one mistake and i'm going to go down as a flaming mess, only to crash in a heap.
it's not a game anymore, it's caution, and carefulness, mixed with the strange sensation of pure safety, even though i shouldn't feel that way.

but i do.


and i love it.