Tuesday and me

it's so tempting to just sit here in the sun, or aly on the grass with my dogs... well, dog. Gus has run off...... again. i need a damned tracking collar for him!!
anyways.
was thinking - i reckon its apt that the personal messages on MSN spark so much of it. my ex's pops up every now and again, and despite resisting my intense curiosity to know what they mean, it certainly allows me to ponder things.
i don't even know how long it's been since we broke up. i'm sure if i checked my facebook messages i could find out. it doesnt matter, anyway. it feels almost like summer, which means that the sun is going to burn away any ill feelings of mine towards people, and myself.
hence why i'm outside.
no grammar today as really can't be bothered putting it in - this is a stream of consciousness and, lets face it, i don't put full stops in my ideas.
but back to the main point, i wonder where things went? it doesnt bother me anymore since i've moved on, other than my mobile phone, about as much as one can in a few months. despite the odd depressing bout of nostalgia, life is good, made my peace with their memories.
.... the wind chime is driving me up the bloody wall....... stupid breezy breeze.
courtesy of new Person, have discovered Owl City and have thusfar fallen in love..... with the band, that is. Other will take a lot longer than two weeks. anyways...... seriously. listen to it!!!!!!
all this rain has made my garden explode, i just joticed. EVERYTHING is green, even the cracks between the pavers are full of chlorophyll and furry (or prickly, for that matter) Rani can't see over the weeds in our orchard that are now idolising the bean stalk that Jack climbed, and making a good attempt at imitation.
pink fingernails are an instant energy/excitement booster. now all i need is lime green colour and i'm home free.

hey, be nice, i'm just easily excited these days ... i have to be, otherwise the certain fatal ending of the world would make me rather sad.
thats another thing, actually, i can understand the power, the anger, the passion, of rap (yes, i know, MAJOR tangent)... but i've been listening to Bliss n Eso a lot and it makes me wonder if this anger is misguided.... not just theirs, though, in general.
It's pretty well certain that the teenagers and young adults that keep in touch iwth things other than themselves feel pretty hopeless about life as a whole and the way things are going. this was blindingly obvious in the 1990's generation (of which we are the younger counterparts) with the age of apathy and angst, standing hand in hand. they say the small things make a difference. it's so hard to believe these days with global EVERYTHING. eh. gotta wonder what the point is.
just all agree to direct that energy into ONE thing, and work it one issue at a time. granted, everyone has different opinions, and i reckon thats where democracy fails sometimes. the good of society gets lost in the arguing for ones own interests. never was a fan of that. its counter productive. then again, humans were never intended to be monogamous, nor logical - the survival instinct's still there. and that means that everyone else is secondary.

challenges

I'm not going to lie - am rather deflated over the notion of no proper relationship connection. Don't get me wrong, I strongly believe that we'll be around each other a long time still, but I want what he can't give right now. Easy solution is to be patient. Which I have no choice but to do, even though I'd rather make it all happen now.
I want to know what I can do, how I can win the game, and win his heart, like I won his kisses.
but in the back of my mind, I think that I will never see this part of him, because She holds him still. I see it in his eyes as well as i see it in his words. Because it ended from necessity rather than choice, i suspect. The label of 'friend' isnt enough. Not for me. Not this time.

Liquorice and gymnastics

It's the unknown.
Black, and swirling liquorice-coloured ink
or is it cloud?
There is no gravity here,
it's hard to tell what what is up
...or down.
But though I cannot see through it,
it is not the threatening gall
of a solid wall:
impenetrable and immovable.
No, this is malleable
and intangible.
Inhaling it tastes like the forest:
cool, damp, decaying bark.
Not unpleasant, surprisingly.
But it's this strange combination of colour,
and smell,
and taste,
that makes me want to leap through the
...ink? Cloud?
And tumble-roll on the way....
Just because I can.
Because it is likely that the other side is similar to this, where I stand now
I just can't see it.
But, oh, there is one thing different,
just a slight, but all the same crucial difference:
over there,
I'm not alone.

new n unproved

it's the same thing every time.
'this time it will be different'
phooey.
first impressions, first insight, while we are told to look beyond them, are undoubtedly handy. theyre our first alarm system to warn us of unsafe things.
and yet, turn it off, and the world changes around you.
it'll be the same, i think.
maybe not the beginning and the middle, but i know the end will be.
pessimism is so hard to avoid sometimes.
it's the rain on my parade,
excusing the fact that it was pouring throughout one of the best mornings ive had in a long time.
mother objects, sister protests, father is silent in disapproval.
rebel?
it's an idea.
argh i don't know. a small part of my mind says be wary, but the rest of me is too busy being happy.
is that so wrong?

Do I?

it's funny, if you take a step back,
to see how much they twist you around
turn you inside out
and back to front
even if you don't exist any more.

you are wiped from existence,
acknowledgement.
you never breathed the air,
nor smiled in summer,
nor kissed their mouth with your own.

you keep the ghost of a memory
locked inside, afraid
that the recollection will tear its way out
if you shine any light on it.

like a fog, silently decending
on the quietest of towns
it settles upon you.
For he twisted you around
and upside down
and you couldn't even tell.

So the step is taken back,
and we are shown a new perspective
from sideways.
it makes sense this way,
and you know you're standing on the ceiling.

She twisted you around
and upside down,
and now you can see how and why.

it's what they do,
those lovers.
they break each other,
and stick one another back up
with crazy glue.

but the heat from somewhere else comes in
and melts the glue
so that only stitches
only tissue
will heal the cracks they once made.

But.
Even then, when the stitches are repaired
and only scar tissue remains,
all it takes is a look,
a smile.
a name.
and the seams come unstuck.

And he still twists you around
and upside down,
and keeps you there as torture.

a sadistic pleasure
at watching you squirm
knowing it hurts you inside.
attention, acknowledgement
your lifeblood.
and he's draining you of it.
so you question if you exist.
she keeps twisting you around,
and upside down,
and her look is of tragic indifference.

but you did.
and you do.
you exist.