Please don't delete this....

I spent all of today's free time today so far writing this into an exercise book. I've never written neater in my life, nor more carefully. Probably because it's so important. This is what I wrote.

"Well, this doesn't seem to be the best post to begin with, since really, its describing an ending. I don't know who'll read this, but deep down, it's only written for one person, but I want everyone involved in my mess to read it and try to understand my stupid reasoning, even if the hate me, don't want to know me, or, worst of all, wish they never met me. As I explained to Justin once, I try so hard to be good because deep down I know I have an inherent selfish-heartless-I'll-tear-you-up-if-I-choose-to streak.
And finally, after 7 months, 1 Christmas, 2 love letters, 1 birthday and about 100 international text messages...
I broke Pete's heart.

Life has a funny way of telling us what we don't want to hear, of bringing us back to reality so fast, we don't know what hit us, or which way is up.
I began reading 'Boy Meets Boy' again the other day, and that's when this feeling of impending doom settles over my head like cotton wool - impairing my judgement an my senses. It's a contributing factor to what I said, did, thought. I have a habit of absorbing the text I'm reading, of becoming the essence of the book. This one's a sad, confusing one, but in the end a happy one, though in a somewhat left-of-centre fashion. This is what I've become. I finished it last night and then remembered that it took me a week to start recovering from the power of this particular book. I never really got over it the first time, now that I think about it.
But that's an excuse, and I'm not hiding from this any longer, least of all behind excuses. so, in lieu of that, this is what I need to say......

I knew that someday, sooner or later, I would have to end the love affair that consumed me so deeply for months. It certainly doesn't help that I'm a self-confessed flirt. This makes me sound terrible when I say that I began flirtations with a boy I go to school with, several months previously. [it is at this point that I remind readers that the arrangement between myself and the original boy were never official, and it wasn't until he called me 'my girl' that I thought that maybe this was exclusive. I know that's heartless, in a sense, but the fact that we're internationally predisposed does give this situation very unique circumstances.]
We had struck up a somewhat silent friendship over the course of our art classes, Jess' menagerie of animals within one drawing had all on our bench laughing and yelling out whenever we saw another creature peering out at us from the shaded curves and dark lines. That was the beginning. As of such, nothing came of it until a few weeks ago, I dropped my guard and told him I liked him.
Going by (and relying on) technicalities and definitions, going to the gardens was a friendship-bonding thing more than anything else. The beach was not.
Knowing this, knowing I was breaking every single relationship moral I have, was the final push.
But that isn't the main reason. Like I said, it was only the final push. That was the end. There was once a middle.

Life throws so many opportunities at me, I don't know where to turn. No matter what way I point my feet, I hurt someone I care about. It's enough to make me want to overdose on Panadol to try and block it out But as it stands, I couldn't do that - I haven't made my difference in the world yet. This is what goes through my head when I think of Pete, of me with him.

• That love, his love, is unlike anything I've ever experienced. it departed from lust a long time ago and remained constant even when I voiced my doubts.
• He's someone that I feel I could spent the rest of my life with.
• But he's so far away, I'd be spending my youth - at least the next 6 years - away from him, waiting. I'll be 22 by the time I'm able to move closer. I can't wait that long.
• It's the internet. try though i have, i cannot put down my guard, my suspicions, my doubt, so completely. Probably because i know how easy it is to veil the truth. How much damage was done the last time i gave in to someone totally.
• I didn't want to say anything because i was, and still am, afraid that it will shatter him so completely that I'll be getting an email from an enraged someone, accusing me, yelling at me, telling me that I am the reason one of my closes friends is in hospital for doing something particularly stupid. No, that's wrong. He's not 'one of my closest' he is THE closest. My best friend. Whom I just destroyed. Yet another thing to OD over. [please note that this won't happen. its just me literising (is that even a word?) my feeling of hopelessness and guilt]

But he's angry at me now. The last message I got was him telling me I should be happy I'm not there. Though, I see one ironic flaw in this: were I there then none of this would have happened. But our experiences make us who we are, and I truly think that if there is a hell, I now have a first class ticket. I never promised not to hurt you because I knew that I would, someday, somehow, when I finally decided to admit the improbability of all this.
Though, truly, I'd rather have him furious at me, hating me, than having him sad and depressed, which I fear will come later. I deserve his anger, every ill feeling he can muster. I betrayed him, there's no denying that most people will see it like this. Though the love I feel for him is still here in my heart, and it always will be, I suspect I closed that door, blocked that road, with that very first admission of emotion.
I do this to clear my head enough to try and function at least slightly normally, to get my story out into the open.
And I honestly ask you, Pete, do you think we would have been better off if I had never been honest with you about what's going on in my head? I don't. So, to you, I say this:

Get angry, as much as you can muster towards me. Anger is more powerful than sadness, more productive. However you choose to deal with this is up to you, but even though I'm sure you don't want to think about, or know this....
when you are ready to let me be a part of your life again, if that's what you want, then I am here. I always will be. if not in the way we expect. I want to be your friend, and maybe if the circumstances are better than they are now (ie, living less than half a world away / you hating me) then maybe something more once again.
But I stress, this is all up to you. I am the bad guy here. I know that. I am asking you to tell me what you want, what you need me to do, and I will do almost anything. Even though I've more or less pushed you away with a very sharp, double-edged sword, I don't want to lose you completely. But if that's what you want, then that is what I will live with.

And even though I've said it before, I say it again: I'm more sorry than you can possible imagine for causing you this hurt. "

and maybe i shouldn't post this, maybe I should wait. I don't know, but I am posting it now, to show the world that I cut myself as deep as I did you with doing this.
Forgive me one day, please...........

2.hr

my day, in as few words as i can make it

as it stands, i am sitting here, with a migrane, yes, james, alas it finally emerged.
i have just returned from one of the strangest days ive ever had. also one of the most wonderful.
there really is nothing quite like laying on the beach with people you care about.
the day got off to a smashing start with me cooking my traditional Wednesday Week B brekkie - bacon and egg sandwich - and then i managed to set the power safety switch off, thus ruining my attempt at having toast.... so i had one piece of semi-cooked toast instead... but it cooked, and it tasted damn good :)
mum came home and saved me from having to fix the power myself :) thanks muchly to mama for that - there are too many switches for me to bust up.
attempted homework... but didn't get very far - there was a really good movie on tv, so i watched that in between getting info on art therapy.
mum and dog went on walk, boy attempted to break in, or at the very least suss out the entrances to my home. he's going to get a rude shock when he comes back and realises that hes gotta get through rani to get to the door.... hehe...
went to softball practice, got burned, gosssiped more in that 1 hour than i have in 2 years.... was good fun having a good hard bitch, just this once. went and talked to some friends in the quad whilst waiting for james and that esl lesson to finish.
went to the beach. had awesome time, missed the tram back, so caught the next one.
four brit teens got on 10 mins after us, drunk, loud, obnoxious and alltogether unpleasnt. they were the loudest bunch ive seen in a long time, and havent heard those obsceneties for sooo long... they wouldnt get off the tram, kept stopping the doors from shutting... there was such a ruckus over it, it scared me. i just shrank back in my seat and inched a little closer to my friend, the almighty protector in this instance. i got off early, and freaked out, waiting for dad, on my own, in a dimly lit street of which i had no idea of my location. eep.
too much excitement for a school night.
and now i have this horrid migrane to contend with.
im desperatley hoping that i can sleep it off....... of which, i need to make my bed so i shall end this here after i calm down. awwwh, i want a cuddle to keep me safe. with the way todays been going, theres probably someone sitting outside my bedroom window, stalking me.
ew, creepy thought. thou shalt not entertain that idea again. scares me too much.
well, either way, sunset was amazing. so was the company. so should do it again....

much love,
Liv, the Wuss

new experiences, shaking hands.

it seems that every day this week, i see or experience something i never have before, and i'm not sure that i like it.
I'm still a little shaken from the past few.
1. i took charge, became determined over a destructive friendship (even though he doesn't know it yet)
2. i drove past a car crash, a serious one, right after it happened. she was laying in the median strip with people kneeling around her, and another one screaming at the bystanders, at 10pm at night. should i have stopped, since ive just relearned all my first aid? i don't know. i asked my instructor and our assessor, an ambo for 20 years, and they said no because there were enough people there to help already.
3. it is currently 2.20pm at 2.15, i looked up from the monitor and saw a boy my age wandering across my front lawn. whish would have been fine, except that we have a 1.5m iron fence around our entire yard. which means he had to voluntarily enter my yard, then proceeded to open the side gate and enter my back yard. i freaked out and raced to my room to find a top - there was no way i was confronting him in my cow-and-candy-stripe pj top.... and ran out of the front door. he shut the gate as quiet as he could, then saw me standing by the front door looking at him suspiciously. i said 'can i help you?' and he jsut mumbles something about 'oh, sorry, i was just looking for...' damn i wish my mother and Rani hadn't just left on a walk, if he'd opened that gate and found rani..... hahahahahahaha he'd never go into someone's yard again. rani is HUGE... and SCARY when she barks. plus shes got teeth capable of tearing a lion apart. i kid you not. her breed were originally lion hunters. shes the best guard dog / foot warmer in the world. alas, it was only me and Mr WHY-AREN'T-I-GOING-ON-A-WALK-TOO?!?!?!? (aka gus), with his pathetic little whine (sooooo not a theif deterrant)

ugh. i have as much adrenaline in me as when the dog across the road attacked me. yuck yuck yuck. i wish i'd been bolder and demanded to know why he was trespassing.....
yeah, that's me, Olivia the Wuss.

nothing to write home about

Well, I am now the proud owner of the first legal studies test I’ve ever done, and I am pleased to state that I didn’t fail, indeed, I got 80%, which is a grin-worthy score, I think.
Yes, I am being increasingly smug. And even more so when I serenely boast that I got a 19 for the first English assignment of the year, which I was less than happy with.
Not the grade, the work itself. God, if I am EVER displeased with a 19 then you should all feel free to pelt me in the back of the head with water balloons full of jelly. Having said that, that actually sounds like good fun, minus the impending throbbingly painful headache caused by flavoured gelatine wrapping itself and its rubbery membrane around my head.
And that was one of the most unusual tangents I've ever gone on, I think….
Then again maybe not.

Currently, I'm in a rather perculiar mood: I think my tummy is finally settling, giving in to the fact that I’ve cut out almost all crappy food from my diet. It went on a rather large attempt at mutiny these past two weeks. One advantage - boost juice was never a more reasonable investment than now.
Seriously, that stuff is obscenely expensive! Though I found one that tastes okay and I know that its all okay - its good for me. Hahah.
Gotta love healthy fast food.

Well, seeing as I’m trying to shorten these posts, I’ll not write for much longer (hehe the evil fact is. I’ll just write more of them, so sucked in, you’ll still have to read them)

Actually, that’s the end of this one. I’m too frustrated to write more. This was written over a 2.5 hour period and am tired now. So, I’ll write a different one, one that’s more important than this…..

final post for the weekend *shock, horror, faint*

why all the banging and yelling?
we never learned how to use inside voices in the kitchen.
there's something about washing dishes that just invites yelling and screaming and smashing of things. and the worst part of it is that i have to hear it cause there's nowhere to get away from it that won't damage my eardrums trying to block it out.

im considering finishing my noting and going to bed - im tired of feeling sick/hungry. i want to eat but im not hungry enoguh to motivate me, jsut make me feel strange, and then i eat n i feel sick.
is something wrong with me?

oh, one final thing...
a deep deep apology to those that had to deal with me when i had tremendous mood swings. if it wasnt for my doctor telling me to go take vitamin b pills for it, i'd still be inflicting my wrath on you all. as it is, im calm and steady. unlike others i have to live with. its infuriating!!!!!
grrrrrrr.