off the rails, much?

well, schools over

.......almost

have awards on Tuesday, and big day in on Wednesday next week, but other than that.... no homework, no tests, no damned art exams!!!!!
now i have enough time to clean my room, go running, and write. yay.
happy days are coming, my friends, and i think they are almost upon us.
and now for the philosophy which i am writing this for:

attention please, to this amazingly important note from the very centre of my being:


bubbles.


the end.

7 minutes

D.o.E

well, today dawns a new day.
and a rainy one at that!
my hands smell because i opened 4-day-old, unrefrigerated yoghurt. X . x
if yoghurt is fermented milk, then what's fermented yoghurt?!
well, whatever it is, i made it. its gross. and currently down the sink. sucks to be a drain alligator right now.

in any case, that wasnt why i began writing this, though i thought it was a fantastic topic to begin with.
i'm doing Duke of Ed. (not the absence of the word 'the' in there)
meaning that i have to participate in 12 months each of community service (softball coaching), physical recreation (playing softball and netball) and a skill (writing). plus two 5 day trips into the wilderness, plus a 'residential project' (but that was sorted out by me going to japan).

since writing is my skill part, and this is where i write, its really hard to gauge just how long i spend on these posts. i know how many, and when, but thats not too much help. i have to take an educated quess for the ones ive already written, but from now on, ther will be a time stamp in the bottom right hand of my post, just to remind myself what actually goes on and for how long. right now, ive been writing solidly for 6 whole minutes. wow!
just as well ive already done 6 months out of 12.
only 6 left. good grief.

10 minutes

Us

we sit here, facing each other, revealing our innermost thoughts, desires and fears. we talk for hours about anything and everything. and still, we do not get tired of each other. today, we found a song. two days ago, it was a 100 day anniversary. it feels like years.

it wasnt so long ago that my heart was getting hung up on another soul, but this one made me realise some things, made me see reality. it's a bit of an oxymoron there: discover reality through cyberspace.

we help each other sleep, knowing that the other is okay, and that they care, that they'd do anything to help the other.

and so we sit here, facing each other, getting to know our other half, knowing that it will be a long time before we look at another's face with the same intensity as we do now.

Today's Ramblings

it would seem today is a day full of everything

that's a really stupid thing to say, i know, but truly, i can't think of a better way to put it really.

my mind is all hazy, except for a few scenes from, the past few days.
spoke to someone today that i quite like. he doesnt know that i, dont think, but the cheeky smile would, im guessing, give a bit of a hint that i think hes pretty awesome.
even though it would be great to have a boyfriend, i think im okay just being friends, because in all honesty, what with the language gap and our age, i dont think it would last for ages, and in my experience, friendships never really recover from breakups. or unwelcome change, for that matter.

but im not writing about manners tonight. well, i am, but not those manners.
which brings me to the first point of this weeks long blog: at what point does venting become bitching?
more to the point - how do you distinguish between the two?
i try so hard not to bitch, yet twice, once yesterday and once today, i fell prey to it.
god its such a crappy feeling afterwards. so i renewed my promise to myself to try reeeeeely hard to not bitch. i realised that once your in the cycle, it's hard to stop, so i may as well stop the cycle before it really begins.

how do you know if youre really in love? aremt people in love meant to have eyes for that one special guy or girl? i dont know... maybe it's just my flirty predisposition, but it seems like i always have to have a second option. i dont want to make his words become true, and turn it into something more than friends... but its just to hard to not notice a good looking, great natured person.

im listening to chasing cars by snow patrol right now. i really shouldnt, it remings me of tom and of years gone by - not good for my current mood. i guess i need to come to terms with the fact that my favourite song reminds me of some things, and that those things cant be erased from my memories. oh well. hes an awesome person, thus making this an even awesomer song ^^
(note: i don't care what you think of him, this is my opinion. and ishouldnt have to defend it)

everyone has their moments. you know the kind: when everything is just a little too hard to be with some people. haha double meaning much?!
sorry. i shouldnt make this silly, haha it'd my release for today. and god knonws theres a lot to release.
wow i really am clinging onto the holidays, and the lack of stress they bring. 4 weeks is just wat i need off. 8... is what i want. no it's not. i want pete to appear. thats what i want. i also want an icecream from the truck that comes down our strees singing greensleves sometimes. even now, i get all excited when i hear the tune in the far distance.

swotvac on thursday. 6 days away. then year 11 exams. joy of joys. maths , biology, english, japanese, chemistry, art. in that order, i think. yuk yuk yuk. oh well. there is always the downside of this upside that we get more freetime, and thats that whenever everyone organises something, it feels like im not invited.
wow thats a fantastic feeling.
its probaby not even meant to feel like that, but it does anyway. its no wonder i freaked out at my sister the other day: sometimes, she's all i have. and when she rudely pushes me away there i am, alone, standing in the middle of nowhere with noone in sight. its why im so dependent in needing to have a wider network. ugh. now it sounds like im ungreatful for the friend i already have. thats crap, i love the friends i already have. its just that within all these people, i click only with one. were on the sdame wavelength, so much so it scares me sometimes. but its great, having someone i can trust completley.

i want to have another barbecue, like we did in the holidays all those months ago. although, now that i think about it, the bbq we have at home is better than the one at the park.... and everyone gets together, eats, drinks, swims, has a good time. thats the time when i'm actually totally at peace with everything. the problem with that is that it only ever goes perfectly in my mind. so, the only place i am ever at peace is in my imagination.

i do wonder though, why some people wear what they do. i guess its just my tastes driving this one, but i saw the difference that black eyeliner and eyeshadow made to a person. it made them scary. black and red can be really sexy when worn right..... but there is just something about the heavy 1800s clothing that i dont quite get. ala goth. do they recognise themselves under it all? when i put it on, i dont. its not me. me is mascara, bright eyes, happy smile and lip gloss. thats it. or maybe its just coz i dont know any other way.
i don't know.

seems like i dont know a lot these days.

seems like i don't know me

i want a hug from my favourite person. but that aint gonna happen. i should just go to bed, ive been writing this and listening to evanescence for like 3 hours, and i have a loooooooong day tomorrow.

Tonight's stream of consciousness

I'm writing this now because i dont want to do my homework. I really should, or else I'm going to have to pull and all-nighter towards the end og the week, just to catch up... and I hate all-nighters.
i used a word count on my blog last night.... im close to 21000 words. wow. i thought that was pretty good for 75 posts, over 6 months.
now my english teacher knows why my assignments are always a day or two late.
i think i'm going to print off my posts, and make a book outta them. theyre not really that valuable, theyre only my innermost thoughts.
i want to have something to show my kids, so they know what i was like at the age of 16.
this is it, i guess. this, and photos.
i think i'm afraid of being forgotten.
no, i know i am.
i need a jumper, my room's cold....
... thats better
i don't know. i'm just tired and worried, i guess. im not stressed, because that sticks me in the same catergory that i try to avoid when i can.
do i mumble when i talk?
do others have difficulty comprehending fast conversation?
life looks so different with a different mindset.
ever noticed the ants, running around like crazy? frantically wearching for food to store before the night comes?
its like that at school. and the night is exams. all i hear is 'stress, stress, stress'. i hate that word. i dont hate things, because it's such a strong term to use, but this word, i totally loathe. they did a study.... they got a group of year 12's to stop saying the word stress... and their stress levels actually dropped. its the same with how you can convince youreself that youre tired, or sick. i always said i was tired, and i was. i stopped saying it, and it got better. ugh.
i have to do work. i dont have what i need to do it. who cares? do it anyway.
goodbye mind. goodbye fun. hello english essay and chemistry and biology and japanese kanji and every other damned bit of work i have to do.