Truth and movement.

I have come to the conclusion, after the last post, that it isn't fair on myself to torture moi as i do. Nor is it fair to send scathing little remarks. So I shan't. It ain't gonna be easy, I DO know that.
But life moves on. No denying that fact, and wether or not I like it, I need to move with it, to look beyond what happened, and focus instead on the future. Because there's a LOT more of that than there is hours of regret behind me. So Smile :)

It's still hard to leave. I do a pretty damn good job of stopping it until I'm far away, on my own, where you don't have to see. And the music comes on in my car, flying down the highway, and tears betray me with their lines on my face. All because I have to leave you behind with those beautiful lights. And I know it's only a matter of days. But she's singing in my ear 'I need you here tonight, and I know that you don't want to be leaving, yeah you want it but I cant help it, I just feel complete when I'm by your side'. And never was a better lyric sung for me, as we are, right now.

It's not waking up and realising you're not beside me. It's nightmares.Over and over again. Stress, running, hiding. And you stop that, the moment I see your face, fall into those eyes, and grin back at you.

......We knew it would happen eventually...................

By some irony these same songs play right now. A sign maybe?

I am yours for the taking. Would you take me away?

Photographs

It begins with a click. Sometimes with a musical tone, sometimes with merely the sound of a shutter closing. Data is stored, and converted into pixels, and is often transported onto a computer, where it ends up as millions of little dots, all coming together to make a picture. A representation of what the eye saw, and wanted to remember elsewhere than the brain, or to show others even after the moment has passed.
But then one must ask - who wants to see this moment that you deemed important enough to photograph?

My People

I'm noticing more and more that I have two friend groups: school and not. I spend more time with the 'not'. It's just a shame they dont intermingle. Mind you, in some ways it s a good thinkg - it means theyre not like eachother. This doesnt worry me in the lisghtest because, sitting on Daniel's lap in my room with April on the bed and Nick in the beanbag... I realised that these three are my best friends, and I don't know what I'd do without them. Nick's level headed logic about the world, and me, keep me relatively grounded when it would be so so easy to fly up and away into unrealism. April.... well, I spend about 80% of my time with her and as such, I have a natural inclination to tell her everything. Without a doubt I'm going to be friends with her for a long time, at the bery least because I have yet to meet someone that 'gets' me as much as she does. Not even D wins there. Speaking of which.... Daniel...


It's not that I consciously WANT him to feel bad, but it certainly does make me feel better knowing he feels guilty. I'm not entirely sure what the reason behind this is. I guess that.... him feeling bad means that he feels there was something to feel bad ABOUT. So he does care after all.......   I'm worried I'm always going to be like this when the mention of certain individuals arises. Maybe I haven't forgiven him as totally as I thought. Mind you, I don't know the other(s), so I cannot feel so furious at them. If they were my friends I suppose I would have already whacked them very very hard, despite the fact that I am fairly certain that it would not have hurt them at all whatsoever. Would still have made me feel good. I need a punching bag to beat the crap out of when I feel like this. Is rather therapeutic - seems like I have a violent/aggressive streak after all....

I'm afraid of getting hurt again. That's why I'm sitting at an emotional arms length. I'll come in for a cuddle every once in a while, but ..... I don't want to sit that close for long periods of time like I did, because the fact is, even though I don't want to think it, I am almost certain that he is going to hurt me like that again.
My first reaction once I had calmed down enough to think in some kind of order was, 'he doesnt care about me as much as I thought he did'. He's right, it isn't fair. Not fair that I don't even notice other people anymore. Just him. And I'm fairly certain that if I wanted it, there are about five people that would have me if I so desired it. But I don't.
I'm not sure what it is about the boy, merely a feeling that he is going to be important, to me and to others. And this is just about the only reason I am around, from this feeling. I don't waste my time with layabouts and deadbeats. He's not one of them, I can sense it, and so I stick around, curious as to what's going to happen.
In a way, we're closer, because I think he's left down a couple more barriers since we spoke without any. I'm just afraid to look and see who's there without them.

But is it him... or me... that I'm afraid to find?

'that would hurt, but im wearing jeans, so okay!'

First off, apologies for the message below this one. Without a doubt one of the most entertaining nights i've had in a while. purely because i was undoubtedly out of it. First time, too. Truly am greatful that i spent it with april. have also changed my mind, and JD's is disgusting. But thats because its whisky. i'll stick to flavoured methylated spi- i mean vodka. : )


Have also decided that she is a MUCH better driver of my car than i am.... mind you, the drive back to aprils from here was pretty good, i think i have the hang of it ....  MORE ACCELLERATION 
hehehehe


feeling rather out of it. in fact i'm sitting here just barely able to type, (though this is getting better, and psrt of it is the fault of the coputer - i'm not used to using a macbook). need water. lots of it. =soooooooooo dehydrated its ridiculous, and even then its not because of the not-so-copuous amounts of alcohol consumed last night.^ i just havent been drinking because i keep losing the water bottle im using at the time. i bet you anything that theyre under the seats of my car. i DO know theres a 2L one in the back tht i usuall wake with me everywhere...... bet it tastes feral now though. ew.




anyways....... new years resolutions.


aside from the crass ones suggested at josh's last night, which i will endeavour to fulfil at some point, i'm not sure if i have any
i do know im going to stop eating crap. like, make a conscious effort - its lowering my blood pressure and making me REALLY dizzy.


am also going to get my ears (for the second time) and belly button pierced. contemplating a tattoo but i dont think this will happen. no way, purely because i'm a bit odd about permanantly colouring my skin.
But these will happen after i get back from thailand because i'd rather not get some kind of nasty infection while im over there.


hmmmmmmm what else?


I'm going to not damage my car at all, and remain on time with repayments.


also going to make a really BIG effort with uni, because i need to be getting good marks if i want to transfer. but is like mum says: hey you might really love it at uniSA and not want to transfer,
unikely - the human physiology and anatomy courses as electives at flinders are way too interesting.... but then, SA might get me into radio, with all those communication courses or whatever. looks like fun.


i'd love to do radio. i figured cause i have this lisp it wouldnt work out though, urgh. but then i heard a guy on triple J and he had one so im like..... fuck. i wish id done work experience there rather than at a hairdresser. god. that ws the biggest waste of a week ive EVER had!
anyways..........




am rambling. will endeavour to write a better post when i get home. i officially hate this keyboard. i love the fact that this computer is like 3 inches smaller than mine, quieter, AND it's not hot and been onfor like 90 mins already on my legs. but hey, the layouts too whacked.


so. will write again lter. thoguh am not entirely sure when. have somewhat lost the motivation to blog. i think partly because i do it at stupid times of the day. like almost midnight. go fiure. blurgh.


Until next time,


OLIVIA


^ have discovered that i am a major lightweight. disadvantage: cant hold my alcohol well. advantage: costs much less for me to get drunk. however, i have eaten two meals in the same number of days: breakfast. the rest was snacks. mind you, the chicke thing we had at aprils family's house was amazing :)
i love swimming at night.

:D

HAPPY NEW YWAER! spelling errors and all!!! with an amaxing night with april, i went to joshs and then hung ojut ith apeil. i have BAD spell errors cause im rpooo drunk to tyype and even walk normall. i love april cause she is looking after me. :D i probs wont remember this and am saving this as a draft. and I LOVE DANIELLLLLLLLL ecause as fucked up as likfe is i do. :D HAPPY NEW YEAR