remember me? i remember you.

You still exist on my wall.
Blu-tacked up there because I don't have the heart to take you down.
Silence is one of the most terrible reminders of solitude, and pictures let me remember that it felt like to feel like I could do anything, say anything, and open myself up completely, and not worry about getting hurt.
You were the only one that made me feel that.
Ever.
It's hard, finding people to help fill the gap you left in my days.
That's what happens when you are consumed by someone.
In my head I heard, 'Where is he? Is he here? Please let him be here, let him see me.'
Then you were there and I could calm down, focus on getting the ball off the other team.
You still exist in my mind.
And you shouldn't.
And you need to get out.
Because the memory of the warmth of your skin has become torture.
And torture me you do.

10 minutes

no title.

you know that feeling that nothing exists outside you and some other person?
where does that go when they do?





i hate being so shy. i guess last night isn't a good judge of it seeing as the majority of people were catching up with each other having not seen them since graduating last year. this is fair enough. and knowing most people by association, or knowing of them via the birthday girl certainly makes things easier.
is there an off switch for shyness? i mean, sure, alcohol certainly helps, but it still exists.
its my #1 worry for next year, meeting people. as i told sam earlier, its hard being told one thing by people outside of school, or everyday life, and then having a polar opposite response by people at school. shame shame shame. i guess it's easier if you know at least two people, that way theres always someone that you can talk to without looking like you're following them around like a lost puppy.

cest la vie.



i'm quickly working out that of work, school and socialising, i can only pick two of at the moment. work takes up the majority of my weekends, from 12 - 5 every day, which i don't mind, it just means i actually have to work hard during the week.
eep. haha say goodbye to procrastnating, i'm ogg to do some biology.


here goes nothing......


Peace out

(oh, n a shout out to Sam for just being a nice guy, and trying to make me smile whenever possible, even if you do enjoy poking fun at me)

the way you make me feel.

i'm jealous, i'm angry, and it doesnt even matter because he's done and will never read this unless by some miracle he has broken and given into curiosity and is reading on here again.

not that it matters anyhow. jsut feels like it does.
damn you for making me always feel like the worlds problems are all my fault!

in reality it probably won't even affect the rest of my life - different uni, different friends, different life. by some massive irony we'll end up taking the same course and be put into the same tute. argh and it will just go on and on.
no.
it won't. thats just me being dramatic.
he always did bring that out in me. probably cause it was the only guaranteed way to get attention.
jealousy is such a stupid emotion. he's not even mine. who cares if a week ago he was? this is now. and i'm just a tool for school work.

again.

You're My Addiction

It's not even been a day, not yet.
Feels like centuries.
My hands shake anyway.
Distracted.
Got to get that hit.
Just a little.
Not much, I promise.
Clouds my judgement:
Focussed on what it feels like to be satisfied.
Leave me intoxicated
From the last thing that was said.
Leave me devastated
Remembering
Coming back down
Back to reality.
But then there's that flicker of hope
For the next time.
When I can soar overhead again.
It doesn't take much,
Just the right combination of things.
But the main one....

....is you....

Because you're my addiction,
My own brand of heroin.
And I don't want to break free.

You know who you are, and you know that I mean it.

Birthdays

This thing i siged up for a few months ago form Plinky has finally pressured me into actually making use of it:
first off the block: "What would you like to do on your next birthday"
the answer:
many a thing. go clubbing - it'll be a sunday. have a decent sized birthday bash, if mama will ever let more than 15 people in the house at a time?!!!!!
possibly go away, take that holiday ive been wanting to go on... i might have enough money by then.
there'll be white balloons with stars on them. i don't know why, it just seems like a cool thing to have, specially if theres little lights in them. haha wow im tired. need to sleep.




zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz