i love my dog, because whenever someone's sick, or really sad, she knows, she understands, and she refuses to leave their side.

Nightmares

Every so often, I have these dreams that torment me until I wake, and leave me trembling in my boyfriend's arms because they shake me so.......

I’m pulling up to his house. It’s just another day. It’s sunny, and I’m feeling pretty good. Haven’t seen him in a while, and so I’m particularly chirpy. Pull into the neighbour’s driveway, just like every other time before that, noticing the white car in his drive – one I don’t recognise. I shrug. Probably has a friend over, he didn’t know exactly what time I’d turn up today. I can hear his music from the front door, so I let myself in with the key his mum’s given me a week before. I shake my head, early Dance Gavin Dance, beats through the air. I call out at the door, not expecting a reply. Pat a greeting to the Chihuahua, then walk past the boxes in the hall.  His door’s shut. Unusual, considering he’s home alone, but I think nothing of it. Knock once, briefly, then open the door. He’s not at his computer there’s a movie paused on the screen, and a distinctly female groan comes from the bed. I freeze, horror rising like bile in my throat.

I take a step forward, look at the bed, only to see a girl shrink under the covers, and he jumps up – I startled him, apparently. He starts to talk. I just look at him, stop him talking with a raise of my hand, and walk out. I can’t hear, I can barely see. I walk out to my car, a lot calmer than I thought  I would be. I know it will hit later. He chases me out to the car, still pulling up his jeans, calling my name, ‘Liv. Liv. Liv! Let me explain.’  Feeling his presence behind me, my blood boils, he repulses me, and I can’t be near him. I turn around and slap him. Hard. I’m still wearing his ring, and the intricate design begins to shine red on his cheekbone. I push him in the chest, getting him away from me. 

He begins with his excuses, his words blurring together as I shoulder my way past him to the driver’s side door, get in, and lock myself in. I sit there for thirty seconds, him knocking on my window, focussing on my breathing. In, out. In, out. I have two options, I choose the one that feels better. I get out of my car again, this time, anger, not shock, pumping through me.

‘Who is she? Huh?’ He replies, but I don’t hear. I storm back into the house, where she’s getting her clothes together. ‘Whore’ I spit at her, and slap her hard in the face, this time with both rings on the one hand. That felt surprisingly good. I stalk back to my car, to him; I pause, and look at him, the hurt beginning to pierce through the adrenaline. I look at him with sad, betrayed, broken eyes, and all I can say is ‘How could you! I love you with everything I am, everything I have, why should I listen to you now? How could you do this to me?’

He has no answer. Finally, the boy of a million words, has nothing to say. I get in my car, rev the engine, and leave behind me any chance of a future, a family, or ever trusting anyone again.

It doesn't take much to get me into a downward spiral, and the emotional wreckage that remains of me, shatter's my attention, leading me to choose to take the corner fast. Too fast. I feel the car tip. I'm scared, but at the same time, I don't care what happens, as i spin on my roof  into oncoming traffic. 

My eyes meet the driver's. I see the fear as the commodore hits me.

And I jolt awake.

They say you can't dream your own moment of death. You always wake up before you die, or you are already dead, and a ghost. When I dream, I dream of dying. Over, and over again.

Teenage Dream

I think it's safe to say, my life is more or less a Katy Perry song........



You think I'm pretty
Without any make-up on
You think I'm funny
When I tell the puch line wrong
I know you get me
So I'll let my walls come down, down

Before you met me
I was a wreck
But things were kinda heavy
You brought me to life
Now every February
You'll be my valentine, valentine

Let's go all the way tonight
No regrets, just love
We can dance until we die
You and I
We'll be young forever

You make me
Feel like
I'm living a Teenage Dream
The way you turn me on
I can't sleep
Let's runaway
And don't ever look back
Don't ever look back

My heart stops
When you look at me
Just one touch
Now baby I believe
This is real
So take a chance
And don't ever look back
Don't ever look back

We drove to Cali
And got drunk on the beach
Got a motel and
Built a fort out of sheets
I finally found you
My missing puzzle piece
I'm complete

Let's go all the way tonight
Katy Perry Teenage Dream lyrics found on http://www.directlyrics.com/katy-perry-teenage-dream-lyrics.html
No regrets, just love
We can dance until we die
You and I
We'll be young forever

You make me
Feel like
I'm living a Teenage Dream
The way you turn me on
I can't sleep
Let's runaway
And don't ever look back
Don't ever look back

My heart stops
When you look at me
Just one touch
Now baby I believe
This is real
So take a chance
And don't ever look back
Don't ever look back

I might get your heart racing
In my skin-tight jeans
Be your teenage dream tonight

Let you put your hands on me
In my skin-tight jeans
Be your teenage dream tonight

You make me
Feel like
I'm living a Teenage Dream
The way you turn me on
I can't sleep
Let's runaway
And don't ever look back
Don't ever look back

My heart stops
When you look at me
Just one touch
Now baby I believe
This is real
So take a chance
And don't ever look back
Don't ever look back

Growing up

So, its official: people I went to primary school with are having kids. I even sat there on the page for several minutes just in case they'd been hacked and it was a prank.
I hear people in their early twenties saying that, and how weird it is. Now I understand. Just wait til my friends start making babies. Talk about bizarre.
What happened to playing in the backyard, mucking around with friends, nights watching movies, or going out?
When did starting a family come into the equation?

Not on my list of things to do in the near future, put it that way.
Thats like.......
/mind implodes/

I think I'd make a great mum-to-be.............. just not right now.
Everyone's like 'yeah, ill have a kid or two'. I sat there and thought about logistics, just for the hell of it. School, food, diapers, furniture, clothes..... they're money munchers. Something tells me that $145 a week after debts taken out wont fulfill that......
Lol.

I wonder what it feels like to be dead?