Realisations

it feels good, being able to come to terms with a few things within my own head, with a little help form my friends. one statemend, underpinning an awful lot of the way i feel right about now.... as unwanted as it is, it's true, and it's overwhelmingly powerful. can honestly say i've never felt like this before. and i think i need to make a revision to the statement 'i'd die for no one', for this reason. but thats getting far too deep so early in this post!
fact is, i'm happy even though i'm terrified and stressed. D came into work today and the biggest grin split my face. i mean literally - i have a split lip a little bit - and i had to try serve actual customers before i got my bag from him and told him to go out the back so i could talk to him properly.
I don't want to make a habit of these visits, though, cause i have actual work to do and it's so variable with customers that its risky to go to the loo, let alone spend ten minutes with the person i most want to see. haha life sucks a little bit like that.

i hit a brick wall with one particular realisation. not as in, i'm stuck for an answer.... but the answer hit me so hard i may as well have run into my wall.
im not gonna lie and say i like the answer completley, but hey, thats the way it is, and i'm not going to try and change it. Makes me feel good to know it and reaffirm it.

all the others were just a shadow next to the light your shine onto me

On another note, NICK'S COMING HOME .... on holiday.....    i get to see him on friday. i'm so excited!! im also nerous cause friday i have a doc appt. need to ask about this cough ive had for about 2 months - beginning to worry me a little.