Everything's getting real now. I don't like it.

I have led a gloriously sheltered life, relatively free from money stress, and with opportunities possible, with a bit of work. Unfortunately, Real Life isn't like this, and I'm beginning to realise it now more than ever.

I have 18 months of my degree left, after which I will be hurled  into said reality. Finding a job is a scary prospect, primarily because 1) I don't know exactly where I want to go with it, 2) there are very limited opportunities for a decent paying job post- psych-degree, purely because one is only half qualified (fml.), 3) I want to make some money rather than going straight into post-graduate study, and 4) I want to follow Mike to the UK and work there.

The last of these poses the most difficulty: the British Psych Society makes my Aussie degree more or less redundant. /sigh/ There is the option of some kind of masters over there.... If I was able to find enough money to live on and study over there, and provided I was offered a place. It's kind of a weird circle, can't do one without the other, but need both to get the ball rolling. Not to mention the fact that Australia is nowhere near Scotland.

I bought a new MacBook today. I've never owned an Apple computer, and haven't used one in three years, so it's going to be a massive crash course in how to use the OS again. I'm already regretting buying it, because I used my Flights money to do so, and mum's gone back on her offer of paying for some of it as an early birthday present. I dont think it's possible to save $2300 in 2 months, not when I only earn about 14k/year. I need tax time to come around, I need that cheque, or I will by July.

After weeks of talk, Mike's finally bought his flights. Went in to buy a CD, came out with a One-Way ticket for the 11th of May. Funny how things work sometimes. His moving home, I can live with that. I can even live with the fact that it is literally on the other side of the world. It's the prospect of being without him that I can't.

As he said last night, 'When you date someone when youre sixteen, seventeen, you have fun, but you know it isn't going anywhere, it has to end at a point cause it'll never work out, you know? I dont feel that with you.'
To outsiders, that may well sound trivial, or stupid, but to come from him, someone so averse to 'Serious', that's huge. We've been together 4 months yesterday, and it's taken that long for him to voice what I know has been sitting under the surface all along, and what I've been too cautious to explicitly say myself, at the risk of looking like a fool. Who finds their Someone at 19? 20?
I work at weddings most weekends, and each is an insight into the couple's relationship: how they met, how long they've been together, and how theyve managed keep it that way. As one bridesmaid said "we knew she was serious about the guy when she transferred her job to Kuala Lumpur, and then to England, to be with him, after 3 months of seeing each other."
It surprises me how many of the couples have been together as long as they have, considering many are in their late 20s, early 30s. One couple met on a sofa at uni in their final year, and were together 9 years before getting married. I think their story is my favourite, because it smacks of Fairy Tale.
I dont listen to speeches anymore, because I am too emotionally charged to maintain a poker face, and nobody likes a weepy barmaid.

It's been one of the toughest emotional roller coasters I've ever ridden. And I take a step back and dont even have to ask myself, 'is it worth it?', because I know the answer is unequivocally yes. He makes me reevaluate everything, and if we can make it work, I have this niggling feeling that I've found my Someone.

Goodbyes aren't really so.

What do you say to someone who, when they're around, makes you a better version of yourself?

"Thanks"?
"Nice job"?
What if it will be the last words you utter to their face for, at the least, 3-4 months, at most, forever?
Would it be an avalanche of barely-decipherable chatter, or a single utterance?
A lot can be said with a few words, and a few words can mean a lot.

What do you give to someone that, when they see it, or hold it, all they think of is you?
Sentimental teddy bears? Pretty rings?
I have a necklace. A beautifully simple New Zealand jade pendant on a leather loop. It isn't mine, but I have it, despite trying to give it back.
It's a lot easier to give something to a girl. I, for one, wear the pendant with just about everything, and have begun to habitually pull on it whenever I'm stressed, or thinking am about Mike (usually one either induces, or soothes the other).
But what to give, that sums up everything?

---
I have two weeks -less than two weeks- before my boyfriend returns home to Scotland. I don't know for how long. With the way I feel about him, I'm devastated by this, though I know I can't change anything, so am making an effort not to let it show too much. With two years of this degree left (which I can't transfer to Dundee- I already looked into it), and his overall uncertainty about life in general, it makes for a very dificult situation. All I know is that I'm foolish enough to still believe in the power of the Human Mind. Where there is a will, there is a way.  I tried explaining (tentatively) the plan of long distance to mum - he'll be there setting himself up, I'll be here, focussing on study (which, really, is just as well, because it's one less distraction to be had on the path to HDs), and then I'll go over for three weeks in July.
July..... It sounds so far away....  half a year away, in fact. Think I'll count it down in weeks - might feel like it's actually progressing faster that way.
Regardless, denial is a beautiful thing, and the only thing keeping it all together right now, is knowing that I don't actually lose him, even if hes on the other side of the world.




We're going to make this work....

.....Somehow.

One day.

One day I'll travel the world, do great things, win awards for the cool new something-something i've discovered in the brain.
One day I'll teach, own my own practice, get married and have kids. Buy a house, or four.
One day I'll be the head of my family, the oldest, the most responsible.

But not today. For now, I'm content just being a girlfriend, a teenager, who goes to the beach, plays with the dog, a smiling girl behind the Bakery counter who happens to make nice coffee.

Finally, real summer.

Finally, Adelaide is having somewhat of a heatwave. I can say this with certainty because there's a 70% chance of getting burnt standing outside for more than 5 mins, and my boyfriend, ever the Scottish patriot, wont stop complaining about the heat. Personally, I' like to be be out in it for most of the day, but this could be attributed to my ability to apply sunscreen, and seek bodies of water wherever possible (had my head in the laundry sink today, was the closest to a pool I can get lately).
I have to admit, I'm beginning to appreciate the hell that must be living on the Adelaide Plain -- the Hills get a different, less suffocating kind of heat - we have a cooler breeze, for one thing.

Australia day on Thursday. For the first time in three years I'll actually be able to do something. Admittedly, it appears it shall involve working 8- 1.30, possibly the beach (yay!), finished up by heavy drinking with several Scots (because, clearly the cool thing to do is chill with your partners parents mates). The latter worries me slightly, for several reasons.
1. I haven't drunk seriously in a long time, so my usual title of Lightweight has now been upgraded to Teetotaller, and Glaswegians are known for their ability to drink anyone under the table.
2. This means that I'll be drunker a lot faster, and thus be my usual squeaky, loud, slightly clumsy drunken self.... in front of le bf's parents, who, so far, seem to like me. I'd like to keep it that way.
3. I have to work a wedding the following afternoon, and 10 hours of catering work is tough, let alone while hungover.

Uni goes back in a month, and I'm chewing at the bit - this year will shape where my Honours Thesis comes from, I'd just like to have some kind of idea now, rather than a vast mass of fog where my future should be visible. I suppose this is what happens when you're given all the choices in the world, 25 words on each, and said you can pick any one you like.

I never was the best at making decisions.