I've been watching this mini-series on ABC recently. And, so sound kinda like I sold out, I truly recommend any teenager, or any parent with teens, watch these. It's called Whatever! and is all about the way we work internally. There's been three of five so far, on Risk, Binge, Sex, and to go, is Mood and Sleep.
They actually helped me to work out why I feel like I do so much of the time, and these extreme mood changes, from euphoria to angst to depression, make sense. Sadly, it's all linked to love. Love. Love. Love.
Yucky.
Oh well, nothing I can do about the way I work. XD

~~~

Just finished watching Step Up.
Without a doubt my favourite movie of all time, it makes me want to dance again, and take proper lessons and everything. the way one can use their body to make such extraordinary things.... is just....... oh.

i'd love to be a dancer. i keep using 'im not buiilt for dancing' as an excuse, wen really i should just book myself into a class and start learning. rarely do i feel that exhilaration from any other activity.
well, ill get off my ass this summer and learn. who knows.... next famous dancer perhaps?

could it be?

am i good enough?
would he want me?
look at all those others,
older, prettier, sexier, smarter
than me.
why would he possibly choose me?
because, for at least the most part, i get him.
and he gets me.
because i'm there.
because i'm unconventional
and opinionated
and creative and slightly odd.
i havent had my spirit broken yet.
put a list up,
long as you like.
could be all the reasons why he likes me
or all the reasons why he shouldn't.
it doesn't matter.
because he does.
and by some unknown miracle
he chooses me. not anyone else.
just me.
and that makes all the difference.

I've had enough!!

On a lighter note than that last post, am feeling substantially better than before.
woo woo woo.
Brian's gone travelling for a little while, so my evenings are considerably quieter, which is a bitter-sweet thing: I should be getting a lot more work done, but at the same time I miss my buddy.
Oh well, will be back sometime soon I think, so can't complain about that which I cannot change.

Speaking of which, I need to have a gripe. Those that did this today got an earful, and I sincerely hope that it ceases - I don't like yelling unless its necessary, and I hope you all feel ashamed of yourselves.

Where shall I begin?

I guess, with a number: 164.
This is my height, in centimetres. For some obscene reason, this number is not big enough for those around me. Not big enough for me to be exempt from stupid jokes.
I sat on a chair today that was too small, clearly from Kurrajong, and left me sitting with my collarbone near the surface of the desk. Not comfortable to be typing from, I can tell you. It was a bit of a shock falling further into the chair than was intended, and a comment was made that it was just my height. I laughed, let it go, and turned back to my seat once replacing it. Then another followed, and another, and another. I freely admit that I make the jokes sometimes about myself if appropriate- if you can't laugh at yourself, you're too serious. But there is a line, and it seems to me that this is just another way to put Olivia down. Just another way to make 'me' (whoever 'me' is at the time) feel a little more superior. NOBODY making those jokes needs to feel more superior - it's irritating enough as it is. What am I to you? A threat? Phht pull the other one please, go on.

I felt like screaming at the six or so in the joke that they are free to pick on something I can change, but not things i cant, because there are PLEANTY of things I could make a joke at about their physical appearence, if I bothered to sit down and think about it, but I don't, because I know its not nice to make jokes about things that people cannot change about themselves (and plastic surgery is obscene and disgusting and doesn't count as a way to change).

I do NOT like being an arm rest.
I find it humiliating to be down-graded because I'm a few cm shorter than others. And I need to emphasise that for some, this gap is less than 2 cm. Their egos are just about 50 million times bigger than mine.

And, as people have learned about making jokes about where I live, (Tom), from now on, anyone that makes a joke about how short I am, which I am NOT, they're in serious trouble. I've dealt with it since I was 13 and I will cop it no longer. I would like to politely remind some of said people that I know read this, that I was TALLER than most of you at one point. So, if you know what is good for you... in two simple words:

Shut. Up.

30 minutes

Help Me, Someone? Anyone?

is there any point to that which we do?
its cold.
too cold.
but it's sunny outside.
my feet wont get warm,
and tears swim 5 centimetres below the surface.
i'm not sure what over.
disappointment? rage? loss?
i don't know.
i want to drive.
drive, and drive and drive.
but i cannot.
not because i don't know how,
but because i can't leave my desk, knowing that there is an Art essay, English poetry essay, biology notes and legal studies notes to write and re-read and write some more.
i'm disappointed, mostly, i think.
i'm tired, like i used to be when we were one not two.
too many late nights waiting for someone to reply.


now, it's a cry for help.
i don't know who i am anymore.
my heart's split between too many places.
my head is trying desperately to focus on the coming year and all the promise it holds.
but i'm setting myself up for disappointment.
more fucking disappointment.
i'm so sick of it.
that'll teach me to have high hopes and dreams.
only to have them thrown back at my face with a voice saying, 'oh, sorry, you're not good enough', or 'it's impossible. deal with that'.

i'm lost.
i'm lonely.
i'm olivia.
what is that anyways? WHO is that?

names, used over and over. no individuality. can't talk to people because that means being honest about everything.
everything.
everything in me that i dont want to face.
is there something wrong with me?
is there?

maybe.

jasmine was right. she was always going to win. now she did. the question is whether or not i can climb out of this hole on my own or not. and if i can't, then i'm gone. gone gone gone far from here.

maybe this is the true grieving for the loss of that which consumed me and my time and all my effort. i'm exhausted because it was all a waste, all the excitement, the happy, the 'i love you'.
gone.
wasted.
there are people, for sure.
but i feel like i can't talk.
someone's sewn my mouth shut.
and i'm trying to scream.
and no one can hear me.

but the one person i've reached out to, that could actually do something to save my sanity, shied away.
at least thats what it feels like.


as the fray said a moment ago:

don't let me go.



i let me go.
will you?

if you do, i don't think i can come back.



please don't let me go.

fears and plays and hugs and words

So over everything.
its the middle / 2/3 of the year, and I’ve been told that this is the time when post people fall off the rails, and it gets really hard to push through.
They are right. I am so, so, so tired. And possibly getting sick - nausea and headaches and an odd-feeling throat is not a good sign.
So, forgive me, but this post is just a whinge at woe is my life. But, even then, I cannot say what I want because people read this thing, whether it is from facebook or the site or followers or whatever.

Words. They can inspire, insult, decide, enlighten, create and even kill.
But they mean nothing when all you need is something physical.
No, I don't mean that in the dirty way that most people take that statement. I mean really, really simple things, like... a hug, a hand to hold, a kiss on the forehead.
Those things.
Apparently, hugs make one calm down because they constrict large surface areas of the body, which releases dopamine or something like that in the brain, which calms us down.
And, again, science gives me a reason for otherwise unexplained behaviour. Yet another reason why I follow science and not religion.
As a lady that lives off words, for the most part, this sounds like blasphemy. But it’s true, and I am getting tired of inequality.

Conflict. As a rule, I don't handle it well, though I try to make it look like I do. I don't run from it, but I shake and freak out and hyperventilate if it is a bad argument. It is not over inconsequential things, but things that could have large repercussions if I do not hold myself in the correct manner.
Because, it is all about weighing up pros and cons and at the moment I have more to lose by fighting than I have to gain. It’s not as if I am really losing 'friends', as such, but even so, it can get rather lonely sometimes.
It is all about the connection. For those that read this regularly you will already have realised that this is one of those things that haunts me. Kinda like one of my fears, I suppose. It is not so much rejection as just having nobody there whatsoever.

It is why I am clinging to the fact that I will make new friends at university.
But that is in the future. And this is the now.

Apparently, teenagers are built mentally to not think about consequences or the future and take risks because we are designed to. I like this reasoning as it gives an explanation as to why the end of the year seems so far away, even though, really, it's not, if it’s august already then February is virtually a blink.
And then there is like... 80 more years for me to live after (i have every intention of living to 100 and being an active, dotty old grandma).
That is incomprehensible!

on a lighter note, I got my major legal studies assignment draft back and its sounding like I’m somewhere near the top of the class, which is a beautiful change, though I’m not actually sure about the exact figures.

Also, the school production, while at times cringe-worthy and other times yawn-worthy, there were a few skits that were excellently done and were very, very funny. Jess did a good job at MC though she kept reminding me that it was not a good night for her. The back stage people were a little loud, though, sometimes louder than jess was talking, though I can understand the difficulty of moving many things at once in silence, especially chairs.
But I know how much efforts been going into this, and the laughs were consistent throughout the performance. There’s one night left and I recommend people that know people in it go and support them - it’s only like $6, and, who knows, you might actually find skits that have you in stitches. I know I did.

40 mins