over it. over you. i am me, want nothing to do with you.

I’m currently revising for legal studies. Have a test tomorrow.
But it’s made me think... the way I think about my friendship/relationships is very similar to that of a politician and their voters.
The group of eight
once so close.
Indeed, from the outside, most of them ARE.
But it’s the years of inside crap that finally makes me want to cut ties totally.
Nothing in common with these people.
HATE competitiveness about grades. It’s because of these people that I hate it so much.
I have a very particular, very very very strict classification of 'friend'.
I don’t have best friends and sort-of friends.
There is no in-between. I do not have enemies for the same reason. It’s too extreme. There are people I like to be around, people I trust, and people I don’t like.
Seems that over the past few years, that last pile has grown to include the other seven, in one way or another.
In general.
I say this because, somehow, there's one person I don't get those bad vibes from in some way. And it’s not the person you'd expect. He reads this, or will, when he logs on and sees I’ve written on here. My gentle giant. Haha. Well, no, not mine. Just THE gentle giant :P
like other things, I believe that everything is ok as long as it’s in proportion to everything else.
Money is one such thing.
I freely admit that I am a stinge with my money, and that I love it that my mum will offer to pay for things when we go shopping.
And it is with money that I truly believe that things are proportional.
I think that the closer the person, the more money.
This in itself is like giving a monetary value on a friendship, which I think is obscene.
But, nevertheless, I believe that much nicer things are around without having to spend that much on one thing.
I’m not kidding when I say I’m broke. I don’t use my debit card now for fear of it being rejected!
I guess this whole thing of being included but not really irritated the f*** outta me because I’m, essentially, the... trailing end of this... thing. I’m not included, by choice, but when it comes to other things, I am when I don’t want to be.
So, I guess, this is like my decision point, right here.
To stop doing things because I feel like I’m obliged to, when I’m really not.
They say that it’s best for well-being to drop the falsies and surround with the real.
They are right.
its just a shame it’s taken me this long to really realise that it’s necessary to do so, and to throw democracy overboard every now and again.
I’m sick of fake
sick of being democratic and superfluous
I hate gossip
I hate 'how did you go' and 'what did you get' and 'did I beat you'
for GOODNESS sake!
I know there are fun, good people here at school.
It’s just a matter of finding and bonding with them.

30 mins

Worry

Every now and again, most of us get caught up in the trap of thinking the world revolves around us.
But the fact is there are millions of people out there, all with their own trials and tribulations.
It’s not until an unusual event that it really occurs to us.
To me.

There was a philosophical post here, and I suspect there will be again, as it is, I have somewhat lost my enthusiasm.
I’m racked with worry. Not for me, this time, but for a friend, who's close to fires that sound something like the Victorian ones from earlier this year.
You know who you are and you know that I worry, but ..... As unlikely as it is...
the prospect of losing a loved one, an irreplaceable loved one, is naught short of terrifying.
So, this time, this is a post for you.
Because these past few weeks taught me a few things
that the heart DOES grow fonder with distance. And without those people there, it’s kinda....... empty.

I deal with colours. Reds and cool purples, and blues, but most of all I deal with bright, vibrant greens, and yellows, and somewhere in between.
He is that bright green, so bright it’s almost fluorescent. And there’s blue. Clean. Pure. Bright, saturated. Azure blue.
I think.
And when he’s not there, I lose that green in my life. Not totally, but enough to notice the absence.
Enough to remember the flood of pink and orange when we DO talk.
Enough to remember the hours upon hours we used to spend talking about anything and everything, now close we were, and are.

I believe in soul mates.
Logically speaking, in terms of compatibility, there are enough of us on Earth to have at least one matching chemical structure with another person. Sometimes it’s a boy, sometimes a girl. But that chemical compatibility, I believe is what makes a soul mate.
I was once told: 'even if it's tough now, wait for university, there you will find people you truly bond with, it’s where you’ll meet your lifelong friends, some of them'
and I hold onto that.
But as I get older, I realise that there are some here already. Ironically, none are the ones I traditionally spent my days with. I’m much too much of a personality / values / opinion clash to fit in, and God knows I’ve always known that, deep down.
But here, in this person, in him I find the friendship equivalent of a soul mate. Someone you can fight with, and cry with, and goodness knows I’ve done that, and laugh and talk with. I call him Conscience a lot of the time, if I recall something he's told me.
He’s a mentor, and a friend, and family all at once. Because he knows more of me than anyone else that I’m still close to. Only one other knows the hidden. And he is the last. It dies in the furnace with me.
But that's beside the point.
What was the point?
Was I spilling forth my adoration for a particular friend?
I think so....
but I note, I must be careful with my choice of words here because it can sound an awful lot like me talking about a boyfriend, if I word it wrong, even though it’s so totally not the case.
(That’s what chichi's for XD) so, with all the love I can possibly muster for a friend, he is it.
You said offline messages... well, this is offline, or I will be in a moment. So I think this counts.
Stay safe.

30 mins

today was not a good day, to put it simply.

today was not a good day.
to put it simply.

i have several irks to air tonight for the sheer fact that if i don't, i'll explode, and not in any possible good way.
this is basically a bitch post.
im tired - gonna be fixed this coming weekend and following week though.
i'm broke. not working for 2 straight months has left my once reasonable bank account (all from working 6 days a week in the summer holidays) low enough that i have to start using cash again, just incase i don't have enough in the account to but something....
i'm out of my depth at school - its just one massive innundation of WORK that im beginning to wonder if i'll ever finish it properly.
and i just want to spend the day with my hunni.
as it tands it is because of my madre that that last one won't happen.
it feels like she doesnt want me dating him.
or, anyone, for that matter.
shes putting so much pressure on me to do amazing, i think because she didnt do year 12, that that's why i'm longing for freedom, and when i try to get that freedom, it's snatched away from me so i have less than before.
i need my driver's license, and, more importantly, a car!
i need sleep, and for this stupid month-long freakout to go away.
at least then i can be at least a little calmer, a little more focussed.

another thing..... repetition
in some cases, great stuff.
but when i have to say the same thing over and over again, i get pissed.
there is a difference between hearing and listening. and this person asks me the same thing over and over again, about lessons, what im doing on the weekend, everything. talks morethan i do, and its to the point where i have to put my ipod in to make it look less rde when i try desperatley to ignore them and do the stufy i have to.
agh.
its infuriating to have people acting 4 and being 13 years older than that.
really infuriating.
enough to make Him keep away for a while, which is impressive in itself.
impressive, but not good.

20 mins

The light is at the end of the tunnel....tally ho!

Been feeling better after my little breakdown at school
Book I've been reading said that you gotta have these breakdowns to break through them.
She was right. good ol' Mish ^^
Idol of mine.
But yes, it is. My tummy is still there, and there is cellulite on my legs and it makes me cringe to look in the mirror when I'm getting changed. But I know what I have to do now.
And NOW, only now, do i have the true motivation.
Life sucks when you're living under a rain cloud.
So, I know what its like to hate what you exist as.
And I don't know if its because of said breakdown over said self-esteem issues that I've been getting all these positive comments, but I think it may be because, for one night only, I was a normal, beautiful, teenager, taking part in normal teenager activities, dancing to popular music, singing along, laughing with friends, enjoying the drink and food, and LIVING.
The fact of the matter is that i am tired of living like crap. of FEELING like crap.
and so it changes from now.

I exist as me.
I embrace that i have issues, that I don't like things about myself, that somedays I am down.
It's very hard to stay so happy all the time.
But I try.
And as it currently stands, I like the feeling of having arms around me and a whisper in my ear, giving me goose bumps, telling me that I'm loved and I'm fine just the way I am.
If I change, I change for ME.
And this is what I shall do.
So onwards, into the future, into desired reality, into my life, the way I want it!

15 mins

yayness

formal last night.
best night ever.
everyone looked gorgeous (well, almost everyone , but thats just my opinion)
one cruiser is giving me grief, which is intensely irritating.
however i now know I'm a lightweight with drink - i reckon 3 and i'd be gone.
hmmm.......
i'll not forget the look on the girl on the sidewalk's face when alwx yelled out the bus's window and scares the absolute bajeebers outta her. heheheh~~~

~~~~~

i don't mind supervision. its nice to know that people care enough about me to want to watch over me to make sure i come to no harm.
however, it is when this care is unnecessary that it is a little irritating. don't you think?